The Blue Bottle

WARNING: This story deals with God the Devil and some generally pretty heavy shit. If I don’t offend the ever-living fuck out of you at some point in the story then I am not doing my job right.

Things had gotten pretty bad, though not completely out of control like I had originally ascertained. Its a real fucked up world we live in when all someone has to do to completely destroy your life is say they caught you trying to stick it to your 13 year old daughter. Of course that bitch told said 13 year old daughter there would be a pretty hefty chunk of change for her if she rehearsed well all the lines to tell the judge.

I’m sure every man in the world imagines his last moments alive include sneaking a bottle of liquid plumber into a 7-11 while wearing an oversized pair of sunglasses so that no one recognizes the predator of the year.

Bitch fucked me good, and a messy suicide was the only way I could fuck her back while she's fucking that Jew lawyer of hers.

I had never done anything drastic until this point of my life. I had gone through every carefully calculated decision in my life trying to figure out where I had made a wrong turn. I swore I would sell my soul to the devil to be able to go back and do...anything, differently than the way I did. I haven't even ever been to Europe for hell sake!

I thought I had made sure to lock that door behind me was my first thought when I saw the reflection of his hand on my shoulder in the mirror. The blue plastic bottle was already up against my lips when I was distracted by the gleam of the gaudiest gold ring on his finger. It was some sort of intertwined snake thing with huge ass rubies.

I expected when I finally met him he would look like Chris Angel or some other modern cliché caricature. This was just some squirrelly looking pudgy guy. I could have sworn I've seen this guy on the bus several times before.

"Relax Steve, I'm a friend. Right now your only friend, the only one who cares."

"Who the fuck are you? Fucking pervert!"

I made a wild haymaker swing that should have landed squarely on his jaw, but I hit nothing and my arm oddly felt half asleep afterwards. I had to clench my fist repeatedly to get rid of that weird tingling feeling.

"A fucking pervert? I actually prefer "The" fucking pervert if you don't mind, but this isn't about me this is about you and more specifically you're soul that you obviously do not value too highly. As if you had a soul to sell at this point in the game anyway. As you see I bought your soul long ago and you are not going to be pleased when I tell you how cheaply it came to me."

I didn't know what the hell to think at this point. Part of me was wondering if somehow I blacked out before choking to death gargling on my own blood.

"Are.... are you the God Damned Devil?"

"God Damned would be absolutely correct Steve, though if you please. I know according to the stories you've heard I am supposed to go off on how I go by many names but I do prefer to be addressed by my proper name, Lucifer..."

Good lord, so hell is apparently being stuck in a 7-11 bathroom listening to Satan rattle on for eternity.

"...Let me give you a little bit of an etymology lesson Steve. I am Lucifer, the light bringer. Despite what you've heard about me being the lord of darkness and whatnot. That actually would be God himself that would be the lord of darkness, after all, the bastard made the entire universe and the entire universe is roughly 99.999% dark matter. But that's neither here nor there... Steve?  Pay attention to what I am saying here, this is some pretty gnarly shit we have to cover and I am doing the best I can to give you the cliff notes version... As I was saying, from my name we get the term "Lucid" which of course means clear, illuminated, and what have you. So, to make a long story short I am not here to torture you with fire and brimstone, no, what I bring is much worse... clarity, the truth behind your wasted existence."

"For all I know you're just some asshole who followed me in here. You've got about five seconds to give me some undeniable proof that you are the unholy of unholies before I take your hand and show you how to peel it like a banana!"

"What, you want me to whip out something like Tim Curry in Legend? He pulls that off much better than I do anyhow. Instead let me tell you that you masturbated a total of four thousand eight hundred and six times while thinking about Danny Christensen's older sister Samantha, that's an average of every three days for 40 out of your 54 years. At the age of seventeen if you would have gone to Chad Robinson's dorky birthday party instead of going to the Fleetwood Mac concert, she would have wound up sucking your dick in a walk-in closet and you two would have been fuck buddies through college. Was Stevie Nicks really worth it Steve?"

That hit me like a twenty-pound sack of moldy potatoes in the face.

"...Rook takes queen, check! Your move, Stevie boy."

"So we know some of the same people. I know I've told more than a couple people that I always wanted her."

"Stevie boy, she married a greasy spoon restaurant manager. The guy weighs four hundred and twelve pounds right now and can't sleep on his back without suffocating. Three more years till I get to have this same conversation with him. Sammy will be available at that time and willing, though she's a grandmother now. She was a fine piece of pussy back in the day, but now she's a helmet haired, shake and bake tanned leather bag. Trying to eat her out would be like trying to make out with a pair of Doc Martens."

"Do you ever shut the hell up? You've proven nothing. Now get the fuck out of here!"

"How does it feel, knowing you're going to die never having a good blow job in your life Steve? You were only ever naked with one woman before your wife. Sure Leslie was a cute little pixie, but seriously, that was awkward as all fuck. You know as well as I do that Melissa was bullshitting about her bad gag reflex. But you know all too well that she is completely about receiving and not giving; sexually, financially, and emotionally. You are a sad little bitch Steve."

"I'm about to drink a bottle of drain cleaner in a 7-11 bathroom so that she can't fuck over my life anymore. You don't need to tell me how much of a pathetic bitch I am."

"Don't you get it? Yes I do need to tell you Steve. What do you think hell is exactly? How can any of that Dante's Inferno shit hold any weight when you don't have a physical body to feel any physical pain? You saw how pointless it was earlier taking that sloppy swing at me; which I might add, even I had a physical body that weak punch of yours would have felt like a fluffy little love tap. Why do you think it is that the forbidden fruit in the Bible is from the tree of knowledge? Because when they said ignorance is bliss they are not fucking kidding. Most humans will go through their lives foolishly clinging to codes of conduct trying to wrap up all there is to know into a nice little concept that they can slap onto a bumper sticker and then move on to what toppings they want on their pizza. Those people who try to dig deep into the meaning of it all and actually bother to read books that aren't about Hobbits, Vampires or Wizards, they generally lead sad alienated lives. Friends soon become enemies when one stumbles upon something that changes the way they view the universe. Acquaintances are just stupid drones in the ant colony pulling their 9-5 and then scurrying home to kill brain cells with celebrity gossip and reality TV. Family becomes strangers that will never understand them. The more knowledge one obtains the more they are trapped in hell. You can try to learn all you can about ways to gain friends and influence people, but there will always be that disconnect where you cannot be free to be completely open, accepted, and understood. While you may learn to love and accept others despite their flaws and infinite stupidity, no one will be able to love you the same way because humans always view those who are more intelligent than themselves with suspicion. Only the mediocre get to grow old, the truly stupid either dies by their own hands or the hands of their leaders while the truly brilliant burn out. Once you're dead, I can take you painfully down the rabbit hole as far as it goes. Hell -my friend- is having a full knowledge of all that is and all that could have been. Knowing full well how futile things are that people tend to waste entire an entire lifetime fixated upon or worse yet learning exactly how much pain and suffering can be caused by modest sensibilities and good intentions. Knowing what exactly happened to that homeless man you refused to give change to. Knowing that yes, you could have made a couple million dollars on a pyramid scheme and retired at the age of 45. Knowing every single woman that would have been more than willing to polish your knob that you passed up because you were too busy feeling sorry for yourself and too chicken shit to approach them. Knowing you only had that one shot and you pissed it all away with penitent bullshit, playing it safe and just plain dumb-assery."

“But I am not dead yet. So why are we having this conversation? You said you've already bought my soul, so what else could you possibly want from me?”

“Eternity is a long time Stevie, and I will admit that I can get really fucking bored at times. The funny thing about God is that even though he and I don’t really have warm fuzzies for each other we are still on speaking terms, and if you’ve ever read the Bible you would know from the story of Job that he and I will make a wager from time to time. Just because mankind has free agency doesn’t mean that you aren’t constantly surrounded by supernatural influences trying to pull you in one direction or another.”

“Wait! So I am a fucking bet?”

“That you are. You see, I am at a point where I really want to get this Armageddon thing going and over with because after all is said and done there I get to go on a really long vacation. I’ve made a wager with the big guy that mankind has become so arrogant that I could personally visit 1 million people over a 100 year period and personally tell them how they are fucking up and what they need to do to turn their lives around and in the end most of you bastards are going still going to see my ugly face when you die saying ‘well, you didn’t learn a damned thing now did ya?’ If the majority can turn their lives around and can shed their mortal coil largely free from guilt and regret then the end of days will be moved back down to a B priority action item on God’s ‘to do” list. If most of you wind up going through hell anyway, well Armageddon gets to be the A1 ticket for God to take care of after he finishes his Wheaties.”

“Humor me. What’s the score?”

“Oh, I’ve already got my shorts packed for. Don’t worry though; you’ll be dead one way or another before the end of the world anyway. That and despite the fact that humanity as a whole has fucked itself over, there still might be some hope for you.”

“Tell me then. What am I supposed to change? I did things by the book as long as I can remember and now I am here. What kind of fucked up game is this anyhow? You live your entire life being told to be obedient, read the bible, follow the 10 commandments, go to church, settle down, go to college, find a good job, and then raise a family and a big fat fucking halo is going to be waiting for you once you bite the big one. I did all of that shit and everything blew up in my fucking face! Now you tell me I did everything wrong. Well what the hell am I supposed to do?”

“The Universe is expanding at an exponential rate Stevie. God isn’t looking for sheep that will blindly do everything they are told, despite all of the allegory about Jesus being a shepherd- ya-da-ya-da. He needs people who demonstrated in their lifetime that they have the potential to be able to help keep the Universe expanding. This is where God and I had our big disagreement however. Everything in the Universe needs structure, has protocols, and a firm set of rules. God wants people who will disregard those rules for the sake of virtue. God is all about virtue. I on the other hand prefer orthodoxy. Make an exception once and you will find yourself always making exceptions to the rules. Soon you have chaos, confusion, disorder. This is why there is so much “evil” in the world Stevie. God wants you to go about on your own and make mistakes and come to your own conclusions about things without being an arrogant prick about it. He wants you coming back to him hardened yet humbled. 

The Egyptians have an explanation for how judgment works that is more accurate than most. When you die you are taken by Anubis to meet Osiris. Osiris judges you by placing your heart on a scale. If your heart weighs more than a feather then you are denied entrance into paradise. In the end, you are your own fucking judge. Every Zoloft or Prozac you take not because you have a chemical imbalance but because you feel too burdened by life. Every drink you take not in celebration but as a means of self-medication. Every minute you spend at a job that you hate. Every day you spend in an unfulfilling relationship. It all adds up turning your heart into a giant chunk of fucking stone and sending your soul straight into my hands.”

“So God prefers chaos and you prefer order and I am supposed to run around with my underwear over my head banging Japanese school girls with reefer in one hand and beer in the other for shits and giggles and if I manage to drown in a puddle of my own puke I get a free pass to heaven?”

“Bold speech from a man that was seconds away from drowning in a puddle of his own liquefied organs. Of course if I didn’t stop you then the time we would be spending together would be much longer. Then again, I’m wagering you’re still going to hell at some point anyway.”

I had to take a second to collect my thoughts, I couldn’t keep on my feet anymore as I had been so rattled and I braced myself against the wall as I slid to the ground across from the toilet.

“You’re confusing the ever living shit out of me. That and since you are supposed to be the Devil I know you as the lord of all lies. In all the stories you tell partial truths but toss in a few lies in order to throw people off and get them to do your bidding.”

“What do you think I haven’t been honest about here Stevie?”

“I’m pretty sure your shtick on how God wants us all to be hedonistic bastards is complete shit.”

“If you think that’s what I said then I’m afraid it’s your listening skills that are shit. It’s not hedonism; it’s the fucking apple in the Adam and Eve story. It’s the path of knowledge and enlightenment, knowing in the end that it’s ok to fuck up so long as you’ve learned from it. It’s not sliding into hell sideways and on fire screaming ‘that was fucking awesome’, nor is it getting dragged in front of St. Peter with the chains of dogma around your neck. It’s putting the pieces together without a fucking roadmap and knowing good from evil because you’ve personally experienced both. If it were up to me we would have just made humanity as a giant ant colony without the headache of cognition or free will. Fuck, 99% of all atheists who claim not to believe in me -or God- still worship some form of human authority. Even if they don’t like the idea of an invisible man in the sky telling them what they should or shouldn’t do, everyone would all fall to pieces if they didn’t have their kings and governments. Free will is just a big fucking burden, a wrench in the machine. It’s because man has free will that man must suffer through the short and brutal mortal phase. Secretly they all want the comfort of conformity. They all want to be a part of their little communist Smurf colonies where they don’t ever have to make any life altering decisions and if they just do as they are told everything will be provided to them. I could have provided that for humanity. I could have provided the perfect dictatorship that humanity craves. I would have been the God that everyone wants to follow instead of the God that everyone thinks is either asleep on the job or entirely non-existent. Instead I’ve been relegated to my highly misunderstood and sorely unappreciated job.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you are full of yourself?”

“Jesus does every time I see the bastard… That was a pun by the way, if you understood the joke.”

“I got it; Joseph wasn’t his biological father, clever.”

“Don’t try getting sarcastic with me little bitch; I invented sarcasm.”

“You are so full of shit! Don’t think I am not onto your game. This is Faust all over again. You grant me world experience at the cost of my soul. All I have to do is skip town and start over again in another country and everything will be roses. Bullshit! I can’t run away from my problems and I can’t clear my name either. Everyone I know and have ever cared about thinks that I am some sort of monster even though I haven’t done anything wrong. I lived a good life; I was active in my church. I have accepted the lord Jesus as my personal savior. I was faithful to my wife and honest in my dealings. I never purposely hurt anyone. The cross roads I stand at are either ending everything right now and die knowing that my only sin was taking my own life, or I take your advice knowing full well that I’ll be paving my own path to hell with no guarantee that my past won’t catch up with me at some point and make things infinitely worse.”

“Are you willing to make that gamble Stevie? I am telling you that if you drink that drain cleaner our time together will be much longer than you are thinking. Of course, I could just be completely full of shit and at the bottom of that bottle is the portal back to God’s loving arms. What do you think is the worse sin; being miserable your entire life and eventually killing yourself of actually enjoying your brief time here but maybe you had a few drinks and occasionally stuck your dick in some chick that knew full well you wouldn’t call her in the morning?

Let me tell you a little story about a conversation I once had with God. It was back quite a while ago and mankind was on the brink of evolution. Despite what you might have read, it actually took a while for Men to evolve out of the dust of the earth. Once God had the two perfect specimens it became time to quarantine them and let the games begin. When he said that they would be given complete free agency, even to choose if they would perpetuate the species or not, I questioned his logic and in turn got this menial job.

Before he closed the door saying that I would be stuck on this rock full of monkeys he held up a handful of sand and slowly let the grains fall to the ground. He told me that trying to maintain strict control over everything in the Universe was like unto tightening your grasp on a handful of sand. The faster and harder you tighten your grip, the sooner those grains will slip between your fingers.

So are you going to clench your fist in a final act of defiance and chug the contents of that blue bottle, or can you learn to relax a bit and be content to let the grains rest easy in your hand?”

“I’ve had enough of your bullshit! Don’t think I haven’t figured out your game. I now know what my real options are because I know you’re sole purpose is to convince me to do whatever will damn my soul to hell. So if you say that I shouldn’t drink, then I should drink…”

At that I chugged the contents of that bottle as fast as I could, not getting very far before spitting red chucks and foam everywhere. I didn’t know such pain could exist. I couldn’t control anything my body was doing at that point. That bastard just stood over me gloating as I lay on the ground writing in agony.

I kept repeating the words in my head, “In the name of Jesus, I command you to leave.”

It was to no avail. That grin on his face grew wider and wider and he crept closer as I could literally feel parts of myself melting away and shifting around inside my body until everything finally went black.

The pain was gone but I could hear his voice inside my head now as everything started to pull back into focus.

“Stevie… Hey Stevie… You know how I told you that I already bought your soul? Remember how I said you wouldn’t like how cheap it came? $7.99, the price of a bottle of drain cleaner. We are gonna be such good friends you and I, and we are going to have so much time to really get to know each-other. Maybe we should start an acoustic guitar band doing covers of Fleetwood Mac, whaddaya say Stevie boy?”

I looked around and we were still in that bathroom, but everything seemed… cold. It took me a second to realize that what I was seeing on the floor was my own corpse, red chunks and foam still pouring from my mouth and nostrils.

There would be no pearly gates for me, I wouldn’t even get dragged before Osiris to have my heart weighed. That blue bottle added about 12 tons onto that scale. Not really the blue bottle itself by my own arrogance that led me to drink the contents of that bottle as if I were Socrates drinking the hemlock.

The bastard danced around mocking me when suddenly his gigantic grin fell to a dead serious stare and he froze dead in his tracks.

“…I regret we won’t be able to start that band Stevie. You invoked the name of Jesus and commanded me to leave. I am afraid I have to comply. I must leave you here now. You’re going to have an awfully long time to think about what you did… naughty boy. Welcome customer number 602,412!”

-End