Albert Einstein once stated that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. For pretty much the entire history of Socialism this has been the primary argument used against the disciples of Marx. Communism and Socialism had disastrous results everywhere that it had been tried.
Of course their retort was always that their predecessors were “Doing it wrong.” When you study the history you find: The Bolsheviks hated the Mensheviks, because the Mensheviks were doing it wrong. Mao hated Stalin, because Stalin was doing it wrong. Pol Pot hated Mao, because Mao was doing it wrong. Are you starting to see a pattern here?
Than humble little Sweden entered the scene. Sweden boasts that it has found a middle ground between Capitalism and Socialism. All of the supposed experts state that the economy has all of the competitive aspects of a Capitalist system with strong welfare programs that border on Socialism.
Now if you really want to give yourself a headache, try finding a solid definition for what Socialism is. You can find a solid definition for Capitalism: More or less, if the Government is trying to take a cut in the business transaction than you do not have true Capitalism. You can find a solid definition for Communism: More or less, if you are acquiring a product or service from some other agent than the Government you do not have true Communism. So could anything in-between be characterized as a Socialist system? (Let the bickering commence)
Despite the claims by the Swedes that they still believe in some degree of Capitalism, the Socialists are trying to hog Sweden all to themselves as a victory for Marxism.
So there is some debate as to whether or not Sweden is entirely Socialist or not to begin with, even though they won’t claim they are entirely the advocates for Capitalism have a hard time seeing anything about their system that is friendly towards the idea of a free market.
People in Sweden are more economically equal, supposedly happier, they live longer, are more productive, have better sex, have whiter teeth, look better in a bathing suit, and are much more charismatic than us fat and ugly Americans.
When we whip out our CIA world factbook on the other hand, the raw numbers paint a completely different picture of Sweden.
Sweden is slightly larger than the state of California and boasts a population of a little more than 9 million. (No where near the population of the state of California) The GDP per capita is about $29k, where as the GDP per capita is about $44k in the United States. (So much for being more productive.)
While boasting an unemployment rate of 6%, this only includes those citizens listed as “Not employed, and currently looking for work.” This does not include the 1.5 million citizens that have exited the workforce altogether to live off the Government dole. (Once again, so much for being more productive.)
The average household income before taxes is the equivalent of $26k a year, compared to our $47k. This means that if Sweden were to become the 51rst state, it would officially be the poorest state in the union.
That $26k a year is before income taxes. Sweden holds one of the highest tax burdens in the world with an income tax of around 55%. Sales taxes on some items reach upwards of 22%. I know in the United States the average citizen works from January through May just to pay all of their taxes. I wonder how many months out of the year the average Swede is working to pay all of their taxes. The general consensus is that all that one can afford in Sweden is what the Government decides to hand out after raping you blind. Someone once told me that the nature of Government in America is to break your legs and than hand you a crutch. In Sweden it would appear that they gut you like a fish and than hand you a band-aid.
So with the business sector constantly under attack, the growth of new industry stunted and with outrageous taxes I would say it would be pretty pointless to try to hold down a job in Sweden. If it were me, I’d just go on the dole.
Let us not also forget Sweden’s healthcare system. We all know that health care in America is in the crapper, but is that because of greedy capitalists in a health care system governed by profits or is it because the American health care system isn’t all too dissimilar from other health care systems around the world with the exception that the bill goes right to the consumer from the health care practitioner and not from the practitioner to the Government and than to the consumer via taxes? The American health care system is so bogged down in Government regulation that I would hardly call it capitalist.
So does Sweden’s health care system work much better? Well despite what many would like to think, there are a lot of raw materials, land, and investment capital required to keep any medical practice chugging along and thus healthcare can never really be “free” (But than again, the first lesson of Economics is that everything has a price. There is no such thing as a “free lunch”)
The increasing costs of healthcare have put a strain on Government budgets, so they have taken the only rational measure and have imposed health care rations. If you are diagnosed with a serious condition that required immediate surgery, you could find yourself on a waiting list for a year or more. (Even though the maximum is supposed to be 90 days) Not to mention that your choice of providers is pretty narrow thanks to all the red tape you have to jump through just to be seen by a physician in the first place.
The sad thing about this is that even with Sweden’s supposed “Socialist” health care policy and our “Capitalistic” policy. The United States spends 18.5% of Government revenues on health care while Sweden pays almost a full percentage point less. (So how in line with the free market again?)
But Sweden does boast a higher life expectancy that in the United States. The average life expectance in the US is only 79.5 years, while in Sweden it’s monumentally higher at 80.1 years. Of course this isn’t accounting for underlying issues like the enormous amount of automobile deaths in the US. In fact auto deaths are the number 1 way to go in the US if you are under 35. In Sweden… well good luck affording a car in the first place. I guess the bus system is adequate though.
So if health and wealth aren’t all they are cracked up to be in Sweden, how are we doing as far as providing entertainment and distractions for how miserable it is to be buried in 8 feet of snow for 9 months out of the year?
The general consensus that I have found from the Swedes themselves is that they would much rather be in Denmark. Pretty much everything is the same regarding the economics and healthcare, but they have better weather and better entertainment at least.
The picture that the average Swede paints sounds like Salt Lake City on steroids. The winters are very harsh (though in Salt Lake City the summers are too, but at least we get a summer here.) While most of the population of Utah is Mormon, an overwhelming majority of Swede’s are Lutheran. The religious sensibilities of the population at large naturally means draconian regulation and taxation as far as vices go (Though the religious right is saying that no one in Sweden actually goes to church and they are all closet Atheists. Apparently Socialism and Atheism always go hand in hand.) . At least Stockholm is seen more often in world tour lineups than Salt Lake City.
So what happens when you have a large amount of the population that is unemployed and you give them nothing to preoccupy them selves with? Surprise! Crime and the suicide rate have been increasing. Crime rates in Sweden rose 61% from 1975-1990. The crime rates have been increasing still but only by about 1% or so a year since 1990. The big problem the police say that they have now is organized crime in Sweden. While the number of crimes hasn’t been increasing at a monumental rate since 1990 at least, the caliber of crimes committed is getting nastier. While shotguns used to be the weapon of choice as far as gun crime went, police report that they now are seeing more automatic weapons and explosives like hand grenades. While Sweden and Denmark have a ways to go to catch up with US crime rates, according to the World Health Organization we have a ways to go to catch up with Suicide rates in Denmark and Sweden. In 2008 Denmark ranked number 27 on the list of countries where you are most likely to kill yourself, with Sweden directly below it at 28. The US came in on the list at 42. All over the world (Except Japan and China) men seem to be killing themselves far more often than women. In Denmark and Sweden, while men still kill themselves a lot more often nearly twice as many women per capita are killing themselves The WHO (not the band) is rather concerned with the fact that a significant amount of women and youths tend to pull the plug if they happen to live in Sweden. Does it really suck that bad to be a woman in Sweden? I guess at least it doesn’t suck as much as it does to be a woman in China.
So in a nutshell, the numbers don’t have me convinced enough to start putting my immigration paperwork together. If we start following in Sweden’s footsteps on the other hand, I might have to try out Hong Kong, or Dubai. Or maybe I can find enough money in the couch cushions to buy Djibouti. You don’t have to take my word for it though, if you are still convinced that Sweden is so great… please move! Go and enjoy Sweden and quit telling me that we should try to be more like them. I am perfectly happy to be writing this article in grand American fashion, sweaty and in nothing but my underwear at 4am, and you better not take that away from me!
Even those who don't know anything about economics have that sinking feeling that the powers that be have no clue what they are doing and that all of the bailouts and stimulus plans will only result in making things worse in the long run.
Despite what the talking heads are trying to convince us of, one does not need to be too smart to realize that, yes, our leaders are only making a bad situation worse. As we slip from recession into depression, unless they cook up a real clever whitewash, anyone who utters the phrase "In the long run, we are all dead," will be laughed out of every economic circle.
The aforementioned phrase is the motto of the neo-classical or "Keynesian" school of economics, which believes that all economic problems can be resolved with the short term answer of throwing money at the problem. Sort of like the guy who has a radiator leak and thinks he can keep running his car day in and day out so long as he puts water in the radiator every once in a while. Magically, he can't figure out what he did wrong when his head gasket finally blows.
After the great depression Keynesian economics was all the rage. No longer was there any faith in an unregulated free market. (Even though those who have actually done any sort of research into the causes behind the great depression know that it was mainly caused by massive increases in interest rates by the Federal Reserve Bank -brought on by market booms in the 20's- that caused a major panic in consumer confidence, and thus causing the crash in the stock market.) And this idea of allowing the government to have more direct control over the market was sold to us as a means to control inflation, prevent boom and bust cycles, and prevent economic recession and depressions.
With the grand job these douchebags have done at delivering all that they promised, why the hell are we turning to these same people that put us into this mess with the expectations that they will get us out of it?
The path to true economic prosperity will probably not be seen for a long time, as that would require quite a few prominent people relinquish the power that they have. If you think giving up heroin is tough, try asking a politician to give up any degree power they have.
So here are some ideas that I have come up with that could help the economy without shaking up the system too much.
1. The 35 hour work week.
The first objection here will be that of a reduction in pay to the American workers. With many people living paycheck to paycheck, having 70 hours on each check will probably require quite a bit of adjustment in personal budgets.
This is mild in comparison to the idea that many American workers are having hours cut back to less than 30 hours a week and many are just plain being put out of work.
If the American workforce across the board would commit to the 35 hour work week, without coercion from government, we might find that the modest adjustments in household budgets will be a much softer blow compared to the tire iron in the gut that is layoffs and major hour cutbacks.
The American population at large would also find that they have gained a commodity more valuable than money...time. With more time on their hands I'm sure that the budget adjustments that every household will make will seem to find more money for leisure and entertainment. Thus we would see a boost to that sector of the economy.
Of course there is the argument that, lord forbid, the hours that one works will be expected to be more productive. For those fortunate enough to have a job where you just waste most of the day, I'm sure your employers would not wince at all at the idea that you'll have to get your W.O.W. fix at home. Those who are expected to keep busy all day will probably appreciate the hour break each day.
There is also the argument that employers would have to hire extra staff to make up for lost productivity.
The latest trend we are seeing is that many companies are trying to say that they see increases in productivity not by a reduction in hours but generally but cutting staff and than increasing their work days to 10 or 12 hour shifts. This is what has come to be called the "Death March."
The reason for this is that both businesses and economies will find that short term models provide unreliable data and eventually wind up in the death spiral that comes from lost efficiency in constantly slapping band aids on gushing wounds.
Short run gains turn into long run losses as worker fatigue and diminishing morale sets in. The natural response is to demand even more hours to make up for the dropping efficiency.
The Challenger disaster has been attributed to the Death March cycle with one account stating that some engineers worked 12 to 18 hour shifts for as many as 50 days in a row with no days off.
If working 10 hour shifts proves more efficient in a long run model than 12 hours, and 8 hours more efficient than 10, could 7 hours prove to be more efficient than 8?
Timothy Ferris' "The 4 hour work week" illustrates how by means of automation technologies and outsourcing; he cut his work week from over 80 hours to less than 4.
If by working smarter instead of harder, one man can cut his work week from 80 hours to less than 4. Than it stands to reason that we could go from 40 hours to 35 while at least maintaining the same level of productivity.
2. Unregulated Microcredit Loan Programs
The current trend in both Federal and State government is a crusade against predatory consumer lending, in particular, postdated check or "payday" loans.
While many arguments can be made about these types of loans the question remains, what better alternatives exist?
For many this is the only source of emergency funding attainable, and while they may be signing away their first born sons to these payday loan sharks; I would contend that the answer is to allow competition into the market that drives out predatory lending rather than setting up prohibition.
Truth be told, the easiest way for the government to grant a monopoly in any business is to simply prohibit a certain product or service. Thus, all who engage in this specific enterprise will have all unholy terror rained upon them... that is except for the one black-market enterprise that fights the unions or sabotages small independent economies on behalf of the CIA.
One option for establishing microcredit loan programs would be to provide tax write off incentives for investors to buy shares in microcredit loans. Since these loans would be targeted towards those of lower incomes or nebulous credit standing, the interest rates would be higher than standard personal loans (possibly 24 to 30%apr.) The shares would provide a high rate of return yet there would be significant risk involved. In order to offset the disincentive provided by the significant risk that would be involved, every dollar invested into the shares would be tax deductible, and no taxes would be levied against gains or dividends from these shares.
Your typical microcredit loan would range from about $500-$2500 for personal loan, but concessions could be made for up to $10,000 for starting a small business. The amount lent would give no regards to current income as repayment time could be stretched out as far as necessary in order for the debtor to be comfortable with the monthly payments. It would also be in the interest of financial institutions, in regards to these types of loans, to provide deferment and forbearance options if necessary. Then again, if more financial institutions provided deferment and forbearance options for all of their loan programs, then there would be a significant decrease in the amount of defaulted loans. Naturally, deferment or forbearance would not come without penalty, as financial institutions would need some sort of incentive to institute these options. Therefore, additional fees could be added to the loans in the event of deferment or forbearance.
By means of free market competition in this particular field, predatory lenders would be encouraged to either "get with the program," or get out of the business entirely. Not a single piece of legislation would be required to end these predatory lending practices.
3. Reduction in tuition rates at vocational schools and community colleges and/or reduction in college text book prices.
In our current economic climate, even individuals with a Masters degree or PhD, cannot be guaranteed a successful high-paying job. Current market trends are calling less for individuals with a well-rounded education, and more for individuals with mastery in very specific fields. Therefore, I predict that vocational training programs and certification programs (particularly "fast-track" programs,) will begin to take precedence over your typical university education.
Naturally, the biggest obstacle in pursuing higher education is the cost involved. Historically, tuition costs and textbook costs have always risen well beyond the rate of inflation. While those with more liberal sensibilities may scoff at this notion, the myriad of government grants and subsidized loans for education that are available to the public may be part of what is fueling the ever rising price of tuition and textbooks. This is great for people who are maybe still living at home with their parents, who can dedicate themselves to going to school full time and have few bills to pay. But for those who have financial obligations that require them to hold down full-time jobs, funding for school is very hard to come by, particularly if they have bad credit.
The easiest route to reducing the cost of education would be to simply destroy the textbook monopoly. Just out of curiosity, at one point I looked up the cost of every book that was mentioned in the bibliography section of one of my economics textbooks. I compared the cost of what each of these books would cost used from Amazon.com as compared to the cost of the actual textbook. The end result was that if you were to buy every one of the books mentioned in the bibliography used rather than pay the cost of that single textbook you would still have $35 in your pocket.
My greatest appreciations go out to the professors that I had in college that rather than forcing us to pay for an overpriced textbook decided to use technology to the advantage of the students and had online resources available (e.g. notes and PowerPoint presentations.) All college curriculums and all professors would be wise to follow suit.
It is not uncommon for some students to spend upwards of $800-$1000 a semester on their textbooks. Of course any rational person would have to ask the question as to why a book containing the same information could be purchased at your local Barnes & Noble for less than $40 brand-new but because it's been labeled as a college textbook they can sometimes fetch prices upwards of $250? One rather weak excuse that was given to me for why textbooks cost as much as they do is that you're paying for the level of professionalism and the amount of research that goes into these books. I'm sorry, but I have many of books on my bookshelf with a greater degree of professionalism and a greater amount of research put into them than many of my college textbooks, and they carried a significantly lower price. The only reason why textbooks cost as much as they do is because there is little competition in the college textbook industry. With current technology where it is, there is really no reason why anyone should have to lug around a 10 pound college tome. All of the information contained in these books could easily be put online, on a $.25 CD-R, or in other more portable formats.
Educational facilities that completely do away with textbooks altogether would likely find themselves increasing their revenues as enrollment would increase, being that the cost of college textbooks is no longer in the equation. This is simple supply and demand economics, the more affordable you make a product of the more people will buy it.
In regards to the cost of tuition:
Every educational facility on the face of the planet always complains about how under funded they are. Rather than honing in specifically on programs that are geared towards helping their students find profitable careers, we still have the option of pursuing fuckoff degrees like art history and music therapy. How about we streamline programs for career fields that are in demand? This way we turn a profit by increasing student turnover. In other words: get them in the door, give them all the info they need to know, and get them a degree as fast as reasonably possible so that we can get the next person in the door. Than we charge a novelty price for novelty classes. There is no reason why a yoga class should be significantly cheaper at the college than at a health club. Anything extra made from the cost of novelty classes could go right back towards lab equipment or professor salaries.
Conclusion:
So there you have three ideas that could help this current economic crisis, and not a single one required anyone in government assuming dictatorial powers and firing CEO’s in the private sector. Nor do any of these require any bailouts or any sort of increased federal deficits.
This 21rt century Krugmanian/Neo-Keynesian notion that Government should be the first to step up and fix the economy has been the catalyst to all of the events of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged jumping from the pages of fiction into real life. It will continue to do nothing but halt the gears of industry and give rise to demagogues and dictators.
Until we take back the independent American spirit and turn to ourselves instead of Government intervention, we will see a further decline of our economy and our way of life.
Do not ask what your Government can do for you; ask what you can do for yourselves.
The song should be exactly 3 minutes and 20 Seconds long. Get to the hook within the first 20 seconds of the song. If it's a happy song or an angry song, write it in 4/4 time. If it's a love song or a sad song, write it in 3/4 time. The happiest key is probably C major, while the most depressing key for writing a song is D minor.
You now know the formula to write a hit single... be sure to mention us in the liner notes.
It is the year 2002. I am talking online with a friend of mine. I had a crappy band that I was in with my brother and my Dad. We could have been a lot better if we knew anything about recording and if we would have stuck to more of the classics for our inspiration rather than blasting out our eardrums with bad Dungeons and Dragons metal. Regardless, we had this one single fan.
I asked her once if she thought that any bands had come onto the scene since 97 that she thought people would still be listening to 20 years down the road. She responded "Creed." At that point, I knew there was no hope for the future of music.
I've asked this same question to many people since, though I've modified the question to whether or not anything has emerged since 2000. The answers have always been amusing and misguided: Josh Groban, Slipknot, Panic at the Disco.... Muse, now there is one that people might still listen to 20 years from now provided they don't get too popular and we don't get sick of them.
Anyhow, as I have ventured my way through the slums of musicianhood, I have always found it interesting how people develop their tastes in music. In fact, I do believe one could make a science out of what you can tell by a persons taste of music and favorite films. These 30 bands are the bands and musicians you often hear on people's lists. They are the bands that when you really talk to people, you are hard pressed to find people that really like them. Yet they feel obliged to mention some of these bands in their list of favorites lest some sort of music gestapo is going to jump from the shadows and break their knee caps.
Now, this isn't the list of the 30 worst bands ever; that would involve a lot more Christian Rock and bands we're glad never made it anywhere. This is the list of most overrated bands. Bands America has been fellating for years that really when you think about it, they're not that good, they're not that different, they're not that talented to be the only damn thing you ever hear about.
You might be offended at first, but if you pause and reflect, deep down you know they suck.
30. The White Stripes
Imagine that you have a jobless roommate who's only purpose in life is to smoke as much pot as he can get his hands on and spend every waking moment stoned as all hell and making your life miserable. What is the one song he would play over and over again to drive you bat shit insane? The one song that will never get out of your head no matter how hard you try?
He would play "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes.
This like most of the White Stripes songs is focused on a idiotically simplistic riff that is the redundant focus of the entire song. In fact, the more you listen to the White Stripes the more you realize it sounds like the old demo recording your friend had you listen to back in high school. He recorded his garage band onto an old cassette tape using his mother's karaoke machine.
Your response to him: "Maybe you should all become accountants instead."
29. Eric Clapton
Clapton rose to fame by riding on the coat tails of much more talented musicians like Jeff Beck. The only reason I can figure out why they would have kept him around is that he looks like he could have been the person who could convince the hotel managers that they weren't going to have drug dealers and prostitutes crawling around their room, and that they would leave the rooms in reasonably good condition.
Every great guitarist has kind of an audio signature. When you hear a Malmsteen solo, you know it's Malmsteen. When you hear Slash, you know it's Slash. When you hear Stevie Ray Vaughn, you know it's Stevie. Clapton on the other hand, he sounds just like a million other hacks of the era. The ones who learned all the scales but not how to put any of their own flavor on them. So Eric Clapton can play a guitar, okay, but look up the average list of Best Guitarists Ever. Eric Clapton is always on there. YngwieMalmsteen isn't. Compare their work, would you agree with that?
28. Nickleback
A friend of mine posted a video on youtube that clearly illustrates why this band sucks so much.
If that wasn't enough, here is a sampling of the lyrics from their latest piece of audiovomit "Something in your Mouth."
(you naughty thing) Your ripping up the dance floor honey (you naughty women) You shake your ass around for everyone (your such a mover) I love the way you dance with anybody (the way you swing) And tease them all by sucking on your thumb Your so much cooler when you never pull it out Cuz you look so much cuter with something in your mouth
Case closed.
27. Weezer
The fact that you once made fun of Happy Days and had a video with the Muppets in it only made you cool for like 5 minutes. When we look over your entire catalog however, we can't find much redeemable in songs like, "Say it ain't so," and "Hashpipe."
This is a clear cut case where people are confusing a modest degree of quirkiness for genius. The case against Weezer is only compounded by the fact that they are so overplayed.
The next time you are throwing a Rockband party. Just watch how fast the room clears when you are forced to play that boring and uninspired Weezer song. Than watch everyone come back in the room to laugh at you when you fail 85% of the way through "Green Grass and High Tides," for the 900th time.
26. Coldplay
The band originally was named "Starfish." Look up "Starfish" on Urban Dictionary and you will find that Starfish is another term for your anus. As in, every one of Coldplay's songs sound like something they just yanked out of their anus. Though I'm pretty sure a band that would actually be called "Anus" would have to sound infinitely better than Coldplay.
I'm sorry, but every time a Coldplay song is played the only thing it inspires in me is a bad car commercial with some modestly attractive female driving along a winding road while the sun is rising. As she glaces to the back seat she is given a sense of reassurance in the fact that her baby is safe and asleep in it's car seat.
That's right, listen to Coldplay and buy a car!
25. The Dave Matthews Band
We have this band right under Coldplay because, honestly, if they played Dave Matthews right next to Coldplay would you be able to tell that the two songs were done by different bands?
This is a band that is so uninspired that their name is what it is because they couldn't come up with anything decent when it came time for the club owner to put the name of the band up on the marquee.
These are the kinds of musicians that you don't give money to when they are playing with a guitar case open at the pedestrian mall. This is mainly because Eli the Cello guy is right up the road and he is so much more awesome and mysterious. Oh and did I mention that all their songs are about masturbation? Honestly, I know we all do it, but some of us can still talk about other things than just wanking all the time.
24. Billy Joel
How suicidal are you? A real quick way to get killed real fast... Find any place where there is a major traffic jam, roll down your window, and blare "Uptown Girl" as loud as you can. Moments later you will be meeting your maker and getting snubbed by the likes of Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix.
23. Sonic Youth
8 minutes of the same damned riff over and over again, Hooray! "But hey man, this stuff is so deep!" It only seems deep because you've been stoned out of your gourd since 89.
Yeah, where were you when you got the news that Kurt Cobain was dead? Oh yeah that's right, you where smoking a bong on your mother's couch and you responded with, "Bummer man."
It was only a few hours later when you started to come down that we had to take the knife away from you as you were shouting. "KURT! I'M COMING TO JOIN YOU BRO!"
Yeah, these are the kind of people that actually like Sonic Youth.
22. Counting Crows
There is a long series of bands out there that do the exact same kind of generic rock and you can't tell one band from the next. Counting Crows would be the worst offender, probably seconded by Collective Soul. Collective Soul didn't make this list because they aren't played as much any more and morons don't gush over them still like Starbucks whores still do over Counting Crows.
21. Fall Out Boy
On every college campus in the United States at this very moment there is the same mouth breathing, puffed chest, douchebag wearing the same green shirt that says "Listen to Fallout Boy." His major is generally something like "Horticulture," or "I'm just exploring my options bro." He carries on his back an acoustic guitar. He only knows 5 chords, but those are all he has to know to play the song he wrote about the one that got away to all of choppy haired, humanities majors that swoon over him.
Fall out Boy is the epitome of the new "Whine Rock" genre. They are the new voice of rebellion, and rebellion has become a skinny, whiny, dopey mutant with an anime haircut.
Are you throwing up in your mouth a little bit? You should be.
20. Fleetwood Mac
For a drug habit like Stevie Nicks had, you'd at least expect the music to be a little edgier. Fleetwood Mac's music indicates more that it is lead by someone with an addiction to diet pills and sleep aids rather than a hardcore cocaine addiction.
The product they produced for years was really a saccharine atomic bomb that I don't see how it ever passed for rock.
As Avril Lavigne is to punk. Fleetwood Mac was to rock.
19. Def Leopard
Speaking of saccharine. Here we have the cheap substitute for hair metal.
While the Crue was having contests to see who could still get laid without showering for months on end, and dying from drug overdoses only to be resurrected in the ICU. The only real hardcore claim to fame that Def Leopard had was the fact that their drummer lost an arm.
The whole point of the Hair Metal rocker was that these were supposed to be guys you would not trust around your underage daughters. Def Leopard on the other hand, these are the guys that after being left alone in a room with your daughter all day long. You'd come back to find that they were only drinking diet coke, and all they did was talk. Mostly about how hard Algebra is.
18. Nirvana
Kurt Cobain, the immortal slacker god of Seattle. He proved that a bunch of guys who look like they're homeless, can't really play anything, and probably got all their gear second hand can become icons that shape culture and society.
Problem is. He died 15 years ago and people that weren't even old enough to be in Kindergarten when he died still act as if his death was only yesterday. Worse yet, we haven't really had anyone who most people would call a "Legend" since than. I would argue Dimebag Darrel was immortalized by his death, but for some reason you don't hear old Pantera songs played over and over again on rock radio stations still, its Nirvana. Sometimes you will hear the same Nirvana song played 4 or 5 times throughout the day on certain stations, like it was a new single we haven't heard before.
I'm sure when Cobain crossed over to the other side the first thing that happened was that Morrison and Hendrix took turns giving him swirlies, and to this day he probably is stuffed in the locker every day for being the douchebag that killed rock and roll.
17. Elton John
Crocodile Rock... enough said. Oh, and have you heard this man's voice?
16. Stevie Wonder
Okay, I'll admit that what he does is impressive for being a blind guy but that doesn't mean that its anything near genius when compared to the whole scope of musicians who didn't have such hindering disabilities. Or hell, compare Stevie Wonder to Beethoven who was deaf for crap sake!
In the end Stevie is considered a legend, and his music is probably requested more than anyone elses for grocery stores and elevators.
15. Bruce Springsteen
There is an episode of the Office that pretty much sums up many people's attitude about Springsteen. What was it that he sang again? Yeah there was that "Born in the USA" song, but than.... nope... that song was done by Huey Lewis and the News.... nope... that was a Billy Joel song... Wait. What did he do than?
What he did do was entirely forgettable. The exception being his performance at the most recent Superbowl which was so pathetic that anyone who saw it will probably never forget it.
14. Sublime
Every summer they come out. The horrible mutants with bleached hair, riding around in their topless jeeps with no shirts on and wearing puka shell necklaces. The don't seem to mind the fact that they have a third degree sunburn.
As they cut you off on the freeway you hear "WHOOOOOOOOO!" followed by the trailing sound of "Amber is the color of your energy."
It was the brand of Reggae rock that made people who shop at the Hollister think they are somehow hip. The Date Rape song is now the ultimate anthem for justice and female empowerment, and every day can be like trying to surf in Southern California while on Heroin.
Once again, if dude would not have OD'd, we probably would have just forgotten about this band by now.
13. Greenday
There are many people I meet who seem like normal well adjusted people. They tell me they like punk music. Thus I start going off on the Dead Kennedys and Jello Biafra's spoken word, and how I don't agree with his ideology but I still admire what he does... and I get in return that same blank face that says "I have no idea what the hell you are saying."
Then to break the uncomfortable silence they will chime in, "So Blink 182 is getting back together."
I would love nothing more than to see Jello Biafra at the front line of a real punk army, leading the battle to give every Green Day fan the kind of thrashing that you could only get from a real punk concert. When every Green Day fan was pummeled they would all crack open a can of Pabst and break into a round of "So What!?" by the Anti-Nowhere League.
12. 311
When I first heard their single "Down," I didn't think the band was gonna go anywhere because it sounded to me like a cheap rip off of Faith No More.
By the time they made "Come Original" I was laughing at the irony as this was a band that was so original that at first they were trying to copy what Faith No More did, and that all thier songs after that all sounded the same... except maybe they tried ripping off sublime a little bit too.
I'm not sure who came first, Sublime or 311, I don't even care who actually did the song "Amber is the Color of your Energy" its a bad song no matter what piece of shit is singing it, but it sounds to me like the concept behind 311 was "Hey lets make a band that sounds like a cheap combination of Faith No More and Sublime!"
11. The Steve Miller Band
The quintessential band for musicians that sound like they are bored as hell while performing. "Take the Money and Run," sounds like someone dragged his ass out of bed five minutes before he was put in front of the microphone and forced to record it. And what the hell is up with that annoying "Abbra Cadabra" song?
I'm sure on Wednesday nights Steve Miller and Eric Clapton get together and get into petty little arguments over iced tea as to which one of them is the more boring and generic.
10. John Cougar Mellencamp
...And then at some point John Cougar Mellencamp shows up sucking on a lemon wedge with his hawaiian shirt half unbuttoned and asks "So what are we talking about here?"
To which both Eric Clapton and Steve Miller respond, "Nevermind, you've already clearly won this argument."
9.REM
Sometimes I wonder if the same skinny, bald, white guy fronts all of these bands. Could Moby possibly be the lead singer of REM and LIVE as well, but under Pseudonyms? If so he would single handedly win the "Wimpiest Man In The World" award.
If U2 wasn't as damned popular no one would be able to tell the difference between an REM song and a U2 song if they were put back to back. I think U2 has been around longer though so REM would obviously be taking thier queues from U2. Either way, REM sings about how life sucks, U2 sings about how America sucks -they are more than willing to take America's money however.-
If the Weezer song is enough to clear the room at your Rockband party, when you are forced to play REM's "Orange Crush," thats about the time people start saying "Can we play something else?" or "Can we just put in a movie now?"
8. The Police
We can just sing the same line over and over again and people will think it's brilliant!
Ill send an sos to the world Ill send an sos to the world I hope that someone gets my I hope that someone gets my I hope that someone gets my Message in a bottle Message in a bottle
Don't stand, don't stand so Don't stand so close to me Don't stand, don't stand so Don't stand so close to me
Yes Sting is a genius. He fooled you into paying money for this!
7. The Red Hot Chilli Peppers
The same guy who made the video of himself playing Nickleback with one finger pointed out to me once how "Dani California" is note for note the same damned song as "Mary Jane's Last Dance" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. How much do you suck when you are stealing the one song by Tom Petty that people actually like?
That and they can't seem to sing about anything else but their love/hate relationship with the state of California. Maybe they throw something in there about Pillates, Unicorns, and how music is like an Airplane... flying over the state of California.
Who wants Schwarzenegger's sloppy seconds? If no one else wants them we know RHCP will take them.
6. Bob Dylan
Warbling like a madman possibly drunk on Thunderbird and playing the same dammed chord over and over and over and over, and than.... HARMONICA SOLO! All of his songs are like this, and none of them ever seem to end.
But he was such a great influence on so many musicians. An influence on how not to write music!
5. KISS
Lord almighty! Satan sent down the immortal corruptors of the youth and all of their grease paint, glitter, sweat and body haired horror! Whatever is a good christian to do?
Hark ye warriors of God. Feast your eyes upon the demons in action so you will know what kind of evil your children are up against.
Gene Simmons tried so hard to erase this film from history. But even will all of the powers of Satan and his fire breathing abilities the lord Jesus saw fit for all of us to see how retarded Kiss is forever!
Than to add insult to injury. Gene Simmons decides he needs to ride on Ozzy's coat tails and decides to get his own reality show to show the whole world how stupidly rich and maladjusted his family is.
In the end, the message from Gene Simmons to Satan: "Screw you douchebag, I'm rich enough to buy Hell now!"
4. The Beach Boys
The immortal sound of surf? More like the immortal soundtrack for buses filled with invalids from the nursing home on their way to a day of fun in the sun! This day is cut short when the nursing home director requires stitches and a tetanus injection for stepping barefooted on a broken crack pipe laying in the sand.
That broken crack pipe... now that is the real immortal voice of California.
A place where every prostitute and waitress is just buying time till they get their big break. Where those who have gotten their big break are found dead in puddles of their own vomit. Where you pay your plastic surgeon before you pay your rent. And where people who like the beach boys find out just how easily they can get their fanny pack stolen.
Just remember. In a world that has gone crazy, at least we can look back with fond memories on those clean cut, perfectly sane Beach Boys.
3. The Greatful Dead
If people only thought "Cream" or "Strawberry Alarmclock" when they thought "Hippies" than I'm sure that Hippies wouldn't be hated so much.
The Grateful Dead gave the Hippies all of the bad connotations of not showering, patchouli, and horrible folk music.
14 hour Hippie jam session anyone?
2. U2
The fact that these guys can write a song as horrible as "The Sweetest Thing" and not only have people buy it but get an equally as horrible movie named after it stands as testament as to why all should loathe this band.
This is also compounded by the fact that everywhere we turn we are reminded of how Bono is the most altruistic and progressive person on planet earth.
Of course you can't lay any criticism on the douchebag because every time I have done so in a public setting I've had someone berate me asking what I have done lately to help save the planet.
I'll tell you what I have done, I'm hard at work every day trying to convince people that the douchebags like Bono that got us into this mess in the first place are not going to be able to save us. I'm hard at work trying to dispel the myth of Utopia and trying to convince people that they have to take responsibility for their own lives while douchers like Bono are on the "Lets get government to solve all our problems" bandwagon.
The fact that he's allowed to prance around like a prize pony at the G8 summit while reputable economists are shut out for having "dissenting opinions" goes to show how utterly screwed we are. All of the worlds problems are now going to be solved with the same matter of careful attentive care that was put into writing "The Sweetest Thing."
1. Elvis
The Epitome of American Culture. He couldn't sell God to the masses, so he sold sex to teenagers and became God.
He didn't write his own songs, he didn't even pick out his own wardrobe. Liberace helped him out in that department. All he had to do was sing and shake his hips and he became America's golden calf.
He became so popular purely for his sex appeal. Other musicians of that era uncontested had more talent that Elvis would ever posses. Little Richie's flamboyant homosexuality and Jerry Lee Lewis' penchant for his under age cousin took away the boyscout appeal that is needed for a true sex bomb to sell to the masses.
Elvis died purple, bloated, and on the toilet while teenage girls were forced to wrestle wearing nothing but white briefs for his majesties viewing pleasure. He stopped showering, was thought to eat upwards of 30,000 calories a day, but we still worship him as the end all tell all sex God that sent us down our path of sin and debauchery.
The king. As tacky as a green, paisley, velvet sofa, with brass buttons and gold fringe all the way around it. Some love it because it is so horribly tacky, the rest just have bad taste.
