I had stated earlier that this series of blogs is coming about by request. This is only partially true.
The initial request I was given was pretty much, “Hey Jeff, I think we need to stage an intervention. You are proof that big guys are capable of dressing like something that wasn’t vomited out of the mouth of a truck stop next to the Nascar speedway… so please, write a blog telling fat dudes that no one wants to see their ass crack or their gut hanging out from under their shirt.”
Ok, so the request was a little more tactful but from this spawned the entire series as I had discovered that there is not much support out there for larger guys in general.
So this part of the series will focus entirely on hygiene and fashion, or essentially breaking through the stereotype that larger people are sloppy and stinky. Now, I too at one time fell under many of the fashion faux pas made by larger men, and to be honest I had to be trained by my wife who at one point tried to get me on the show “What not to wear.” But I have learned my lessons well, and will now pass on my knowledge.
1. Hygiene You would think this would be a common sense issue but there are so many that are so clueless.
PAY HEED AS THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE!!!
The most important thing you can do to make yourself more socially approachable is to make sure that you smell good. You’ve probably heard before that smell is the number one thing people will commit to memory, and this is definitely the truth.
The last time I went to the Westerner (a horrible Country/Western nightclub, which I might add the only reason I was in such a horrible place to begin with was because we had a friend throwing a moving away party that night), we had to leave in about 10 minutes flat. Now it wasn’t so much the fact that the staff was rude or that the only thing they served at all was Budweiser that made us take off so quickly as much as the fact that the place was filled with 200 phony cowboys who all had a major case of the beef jerky sweats.
If you smell bad, all deals are off. You could look like a 10 but will instantly become a 0 if you can’t keep your body odor under control.
First and foremost, wear deodorant. Your underarms are the number 1 source of body odor and those who refuse to wear under arm deodorant, well…
Now I’ve met many stinky guys who have a million excuses for not wearing deodorant, this biggest excuse being that they are allergic to under arm deodorants. If this is the case you can get a prescription deodorant from your doctor or a dermatologist, or a less expensive option would be to go to one of those hippie organic stores and buy an organic deodorant (nothing patchouli scented!) Whatever route you use, never forget to wear deodorant.
Secondly, wear clean underwear and clean socks, as these would be the second and third smelliest parts of your body.
Thirdly, avoid stinky food (like beef jerky) if you are going to be somewhere you will be surrounded by people or where you know you will be sweating. The smell from the food you eat will come out through your pours and no one wants to be stuck in an elevator with the guy who is sweating out the smell of the taco cart by the Ford dealership.
Fourth, brush and floss your teeth. They say flossing will actually help control bad breath more than brushing your teeth as food particles stuck between your teeth that start to rot will be the biggest contributor to bad breath. Most of us remember to brush our teeth, but how many remember to floss every day? Also, use a mouthwash. It’s cheap, and it kills bacteria on your tongue and in the back of your throat that can give you bad breath. Carrying gum and breath mints on you are also encouraged.
On Cologne:
Cologne should only be used in the manner that people should only be able to smell it if they are closer than high school slow dance distance from you. Too much cologne is just as offensive as beef jerky sweats though beef jerky sweats can be dismissed as social ineptitude while too much cologne is indicative of douchebaggery. Not only that, but most women equate the fact that you are wearing to much cologne as a sign that you probably forgot to shower or are trying to cover up some sort of glandular issue.
2. Fashion The two main issues that larger guys need to avoid that add to public ridicule are plumbers crack, and trucker gut. Everyone knows what plumbers crack is. For those not familiar with the trucker gut, this is when the bottom part of your naked gut is clearly visible as it hangs over the belt line of your pants and your shirt is not long enough to cover your pasty flab.
First and foremost, you need to make sure the clothes that you buy will actually fit you. It’s a tough pill to swallow, and there was a time back when I would be constantly cursing as the largest sizes that would be carried at the local Wal-Mart were always the first thing to fly off the shelves. One day I decided to swallow my pride as I knew that it would be a crap shoot as to whether or not any of the regular stores had not been cleaned out of dress shirts in my size so I decided to swallow my pride and just head over to the big and tall store. Since then I have never turned back.
Instead of cluttered and organized shelves filled with mostly crap, and having to deal with other people trying to murder me with their shopping carts -not to mention the stigma when the 4’11” cashier girl holds up the pants you are buying and she could easily get lost down just one pant leg- now we have a store that is clean and well organized. Instead of having to hunt down an associate -only to find they know nothing of clothing as they work in pet supplies- I am greeted by a friendly well-dressed older gentleman with a tape measure draped over his shoulders. He makes polite conversation as he measures me to find a shirt that will fit right and doesn’t wince or make any weird gestures or comments because he works with people my size, and some much larger, every day.
Did I pay more for the dress shirt? Yes I did. Though I actually bought 2 dress shirts that day nearly 5 years ago and while I sadly had to throw one of them out as I wore through the elbows about 3 months ago, the other one is standing strong. When is the last time you bought anything from Wal-Mart that lasted 5 years?
Secondly, there are just a few rules larger guys need to follow to avoid the dreaded plumber’s crack and trucker gut.
The most important rule is to always tuck your shirt in. If you don’t want to tuck your shirt in, than wear an undershirt and tuck in your undershirt but always have at least 1 shirt tucked in. Then, make sure you always wear a belt. This is not only to keep your pants up but to keep your shirt tucked in. Pants with an elastic waist make baby Jesus cry if you leave the house while wearing them, unless you are going to the gym. So always wear pants that can facilitate a belt, and always wear said belt.
Now much of what I am going to say next might offend some people as I will be mocking many people’s sense of style. Being bigger ads an extra degree of negative connotation that would be added to any stereotype already handed down by your choice of fashion. Now not only are you a dumb white guy trying to dress like a “gangsta” but now you’re a dumb, fat, white guy trying to dress like a “gangsta.” Now you’re not just an idiot Juggalo, you’re a fat, idiot Juggalo.
If you want clothes that make you look good then there are a few tricks you can use:
Avoid T-shirts with a rounded collar. The round collar adds to the roundness of your face making you look heavier. Look for V-neck shirts, polo’s, button down’s, etc.
Look for straight leg pants with a relaxed fit, and avoid pleats.
Stripes can be your best friend or worst enemy. They are your best friend when they run vertically as they give the illusion of making your body look longer, whereas horizontal stripes make your body look wider.
A blazer can be worn with just about anything and the generally sharp lines you will find in the cut of most blazers and sport coats will help make your figure look less round.
A good pair of Doc Martens can be worn with just about anything and they last forever, (I’m talking about their regular shoes and boots, not the combat boots or their power ranger type shoes.)
Camouflage always looks stupid on bigger guys. You might as well get the hat that holds the beer cans on the side to go with your Camo cargo pants, and let’s face it; no one will believe you are part of any division of the armed forces. So wear something that doesn’t make you look like you are part of a covert op to raid the buffet table at the Sizzler.
Anything plaid or checkered should be avoided unless it’s a Kilt. It’s kind of the horizontal stripes issue combined with implications that your house is supported by cinder blocks. Which reminds me; I shouldn’t have to say it but sleeves on your shirt are mandatory.
If you insist on going all black, there is a right way and a wrong way to do that. The image above is definitely the wrong way. What we’ve already covered will help you do it the right way. Keep it clean; make sure it fits right, if not your regular shirt than an undershirt that is tucked in and pants that are held up with a good belt.
Ultimately, you want to wear what is appropriate for the occasion. So maybe camo is okay if you’re going on a deer hunt, but definitely not something to wear to your cousins wedding or to a job interview.
3. Grooming
Grooming and Manscaping can be a very subjective issue.
There are just a few things I would suggest.
Eyebrows: make sure you’ve got two of them and that they haven’t grown into one giant mass.
Facial hair: Like anything else, just keep it clean. Though I would advise against the goatee as it seems you can throw a rock into any crowd and hit a fat guy wearing glasses, a goatee, and a ponytail.
Hair: Once your hair starts thinning out, it is no longer ok to try to grow it out long. I used to have long hair myself, but this went away when my hair started to thin. Someone took a picture of me and I looked like Benjamin Franklin.
Also, the best argument against having a ponytail and a goatee if you are a larger guy…
Not only will you be better received by others but putting in a little extra effort into your appearance will also give you a massive boost to your self-esteem. The old cliché is correct; when you look good you will feel good. The major issues we covered will cost you less than $100 to correct (What I figure you’d pay for an organic deodorant, a pair of pants with a belt, and an undershirt that can be tucked in.)
You’ll be glad you made the investment on yourself.
