Full Frontal Jeffrie. Party Hard and Remember to Take Pics.

So I know I'm not going to get a decent night of sleep because my damn brain won't shut up and part of what it saying is that things that may be longer than a paragraph or two I should probably put in my blog because I should maybe start being more narcissistic and egotistical then I already am.

Strange I know, but it's something I'm starting to notice in people. Those who say you should try to be more humble and not be so greedy for attention are generally people who don't do anything worth paying attention to anyway. Just like how everyone you meet that will tell you how evil money is generally are broke assholes who wouldn't spare a dime to save your sorry ass when it really comes down to it.

So while helping others does give me a certain sense of satisfaction I have concluded that I need to start marketing myself as a personality. I'm getting nowhere with things like my band, mostly because I want to share all the glory even though I pay all the bills... To hell with that anymore, I need to sell Jeffrie A. Moir first and then the band as the band that Jeffrie A. Moir sings in rather than trying to market the band as an entity unto itself if that makes any sense. 

With this I also need to learn to embrace my failures and own them. I had a few minor setbacks recently, and maybe felt a little thrown under the bus. I tend to let things slide that I probably shouldn't. So let it be known that I am a powerful ally but an even more powerful enemy. So I need to start holding others more to be accountable for thier short comings just as I am doing better to own my own mistakes.

Mistakes can be a good thing though. Do I really want to be like every other 2 bit promoter out there who is able to scratch out a living booking bullshit like Vampire Weekend or would it be a better story if I become the guy that got banned from every venue in the city because I kept booking all the seriously weird stuff that no one wants to see? 

There have been some ups and downs, but things are going to change dramatically in the near future. Not that I plan on going Kanye West on everyone, but I need to not be afraid to be the god damn rock star that I am and I gotta let people know where they stand with me, particularly if I am doing them more favors in working with them then they are doing for me. I have to go about it all the right way though. I need to be the lead brick wrapped in a velvet glove. 

I'm going to be trying some insane things here in the near future, I know others will not be joining me till I give them a damn good reason to, so I expect this trek to be very lonely for a while and I expect to have even more humiliating failures. Crippling, humiliating failure must be embraced if I am to do something revolutionary, and the few crazy bastards who decide they are along for the ride will get the pleasure of one day being able to say they where there first before the next big thing becomes the next big thing.

How the Republican party lost the election. (And what they need to do to not loose again in 2016)

As we have witnessed the conclusion of the 2012 RNC one thing has become abundantly clear, Romney has  no chances of winning the election whatsoever. Of course the heads of the Republican party are strutting about triumphantly right now like a fat house cat that has just shat in your favorite pair of shoes, but as Romney so eloquently stated, his campaign isn't going to be dissuaded by fact checkers. With bookies now giving Romney's odds of winning at less than 30%, let's take a look at how this election was lost and how Republicans can try to redeem themselves come 2016.

1. Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?

Romney's inconsistent stances on the issues have not been consistent with a candidate that somehow "saw the light" and decided to change his mind, they reek of being wholly opportunistic. He played himself as being the most liberal Republican on the market when running for office in the Liberal state of Massachusetts, claiming even that he would be a better advocate for gay rights than the late Teddy Kennedy. Suddenly, come 2008 he has re-branded himself as a staunch pro-life, pro-traditional family values candidate in order to woo conservative voters. He has already gained a reputation as being inconsistent with the possibility of being a loose cannon in office that will rule not based on principle or ideology but by bribes and favors. This argument may be rehashing old news when it comes to criticisms of Romney, but he faces an serious uphill battle in trying to sell his credibility to the public.


2. He believes in what???

As stupid as I think to use a candidates religious beliefs as a determining factor for elect-ability, historically speaking you are going to have a hard time getting elected as POTUS if you hail from anything that isn't considered a protestant religion. Of course a big factor in the minds of your average voter is how likely a candidates religious beliefs may cloud their ability to make logical and rational rather than faith based decisions. Believe it or not, there is a huge chunk of the voting population that can be swayed to vote for one candidate over the other based entirely on where the candidate stands religiously. In national polls Mormons are only slightly more trusted than Muslims.


3. Call in the "Yes" men.

Often we have seen a strategy used when candidates select a running mate to pick a candidate based upon the fact that they would have an expertise in an area where the main candidate may be deficient. Obama chose Biden because Biden's experience inside Washington was a point they could play on to balance the fact that Obama was still a fledgling politician. Similarly, McCain chose Palin to try to be able to connect with   the average voter whereas he was viewed as being too much of a Washington insider to be able to connect with the masses. In selecting Ryan as his running mate he chose a candidate that is virtually indistinguishable from himself and who also has a reputation as a brown-noser and a yes man. Ryan's purpose in the campaign has come off as being entirely decorative.


4. You are what we are voting against.

Right or wrong, voters have come to associate the corporate tempered white male as the symbol of economic turmoil. Romney has done little to fight off the perception that he is an aloof millionaire with warehouses full of dirty laundry and who obviously knows nothing about what it is like to struggle to pay your bills. His refusal to be entirely candid with his tax returns has not lent him any credibility in this area. Obama definitely holds the high card when it comes to tales of who had it worse growing up and who better understands the perils of the working class.


5. I will shit where I eat, and you will vote for me anyway.

Romney had the nomination in the bag by the time of the RNC one way or another, there was no way by any of the rules in place at the time that Ron Paul would have been able to take the nomination, but the Republican party made every attempt possible to shut him and his supporters out of the convention to the point of muting microphones whenever mentions were being made of delegate votes that were going to Ron Paul. In a presidential election, often times a single swing state can be the difference between victory and defeat. Instead of offering the Paul camp an olive branch Paul was handed a metaphorical knife and asked to commit hari-kari on stage if he wanted to be able to speak at the convention (only allowing him to give a pre-approved speech and only if he gave a full endorsement of Romney.) The treatment of the Paul camp at the RNC was a PR nightmare, and left anyone paying attention with the impression that leadership under Romney would make Orwellian style censorship seem tame in comparison. The disenfranchisement of the Paul camp and the large minority they command may very well be the sliver ofs voters Romney would have needed in order to tip the scales in the swing states. In adding insult to injury, officials with the Republican party have stated that they expect Paul supporters to vote for Romney regardless of how poorly they were treated as a vote for anyone but Romney is a vote for Obama... this leads us to the final reason why the Republicans have already lost this election.


6. Simpy being someone other than your opponent is not reason enough to get people to vote for you over your opponent.

Aside from some lip service about family values and needing to get the economy back on track, most of what you hear coming from the Romney camp are criticisms of Obama without concise plans as to how Romney plans to do it better. When it comes to the issues that voters really care about, many of them are hard pressed to be able to list major differences between the ideology of the Obama and the Romney camp, though the Obama camp is making a better case about being less secretive and more open to criticism and suggestion than the Romney camp. Romney is failing in many of the same ways that John Kerry had failed, being viewed as a stiff and inconsistent caricature who's entire campaign strategy is dependent on people voting for him simply because he is the alternative to his opponent.


In conclusion:

Since the end of the Bush administration the only victories that have been enjoyed by the Republican party have been by the hands of the Tea Party (love them or hate them) and their efforts to try to radically change the face of the Republican party. Once the career politicians of the GOP started to drop like flies the influence of the Tea Party was reigned in real quick with politicians such as our own Orrin Hatch priding themselves in "breaking the back" of the Tea Party to ensure business as usual within the GOP.

At a time when all indicators are pointing to the fact that the GOP needs to seriously change course and redefine it's image, the structure of the party has become increasingly rigid with it's primary concern seeming to be how to keep out the undesirables rather than the evolution of the party.

If career politicians are allowed to maintain their stranglehold on the GOP and refuse to take Neo-conservatism off life support and allow the next wave of conservatism to be able to grow within the party then anywhere the GOP is present everyone will view it for exactly what it is, a walking corpse with no connection to the world of the living, imposing its will as harshly and ruthlessly as possible as it tries pathetically to hold on to every shred of power it has left.

The Blue Bottle

WARNING: This story deals with God the Devil and some generally pretty heavy shit. If I don’t offend the ever-living fuck out of you at some point in the story then I am not doing my job right.

Things had gotten pretty bad, though not completely out of control like I had originally ascertained. Its a real fucked up world we live in when all someone has to do to completely destroy your life is say they caught you trying to stick it to your 13 year old daughter. Of course that bitch told said 13 year old daughter there would be a pretty hefty chunk of change for her if she rehearsed well all the lines to tell the judge.

I’m sure every man in the world imagines his last moments alive include sneaking a bottle of liquid plumber into a 7-11 while wearing an oversized pair of sunglasses so that no one recognizes the predator of the year.

Bitch fucked me good, and a messy suicide was the only way I could fuck her back while she's fucking that Jew lawyer of hers.

I had never done anything drastic until this point of my life. I had gone through every carefully calculated decision in my life trying to figure out where I had made a wrong turn. I swore I would sell my soul to the devil to be able to go back and do...anything, differently than the way I did. I haven't even ever been to Europe for hell sake!

I thought I had made sure to lock that door behind me was my first thought when I saw the reflection of his hand on my shoulder in the mirror. The blue plastic bottle was already up against my lips when I was distracted by the gleam of the gaudiest gold ring on his finger. It was some sort of intertwined snake thing with huge ass rubies.

I expected when I finally met him he would look like Chris Angel or some other modern cliché caricature. This was just some squirrelly looking pudgy guy. I could have sworn I've seen this guy on the bus several times before.

"Relax Steve, I'm a friend. Right now your only friend, the only one who cares."

"Who the fuck are you? Fucking pervert!"

I made a wild haymaker swing that should have landed squarely on his jaw, but I hit nothing and my arm oddly felt half asleep afterwards. I had to clench my fist repeatedly to get rid of that weird tingling feeling.

"A fucking pervert? I actually prefer "The" fucking pervert if you don't mind, but this isn't about me this is about you and more specifically you're soul that you obviously do not value too highly. As if you had a soul to sell at this point in the game anyway. As you see I bought your soul long ago and you are not going to be pleased when I tell you how cheaply it came to me."

I didn't know what the hell to think at this point. Part of me was wondering if somehow I blacked out before choking to death gargling on my own blood.

"Are.... are you the God Damned Devil?"

"God Damned would be absolutely correct Steve, though if you please. I know according to the stories you've heard I am supposed to go off on how I go by many names but I do prefer to be addressed by my proper name, Lucifer..."

Good lord, so hell is apparently being stuck in a 7-11 bathroom listening to Satan rattle on for eternity.

"...Let me give you a little bit of an etymology lesson Steve. I am Lucifer, the light bringer. Despite what you've heard about me being the lord of darkness and whatnot. That actually would be God himself that would be the lord of darkness, after all, the bastard made the entire universe and the entire universe is roughly 99.999% dark matter. But that's neither here nor there... Steve?  Pay attention to what I am saying here, this is some pretty gnarly shit we have to cover and I am doing the best I can to give you the cliff notes version... As I was saying, from my name we get the term "Lucid" which of course means clear, illuminated, and what have you. So, to make a long story short I am not here to torture you with fire and brimstone, no, what I bring is much worse... clarity, the truth behind your wasted existence."

"For all I know you're just some asshole who followed me in here. You've got about five seconds to give me some undeniable proof that you are the unholy of unholies before I take your hand and show you how to peel it like a banana!"

"What, you want me to whip out something like Tim Curry in Legend? He pulls that off much better than I do anyhow. Instead let me tell you that you masturbated a total of four thousand eight hundred and six times while thinking about Danny Christensen's older sister Samantha, that's an average of every three days for 40 out of your 54 years. At the age of seventeen if you would have gone to Chad Robinson's dorky birthday party instead of going to the Fleetwood Mac concert, she would have wound up sucking your dick in a walk-in closet and you two would have been fuck buddies through college. Was Stevie Nicks really worth it Steve?"

That hit me like a twenty-pound sack of moldy potatoes in the face.

"...Rook takes queen, check! Your move, Stevie boy."

"So we know some of the same people. I know I've told more than a couple people that I always wanted her."

"Stevie boy, she married a greasy spoon restaurant manager. The guy weighs four hundred and twelve pounds right now and can't sleep on his back without suffocating. Three more years till I get to have this same conversation with him. Sammy will be available at that time and willing, though she's a grandmother now. She was a fine piece of pussy back in the day, but now she's a helmet haired, shake and bake tanned leather bag. Trying to eat her out would be like trying to make out with a pair of Doc Martens."

"Do you ever shut the hell up? You've proven nothing. Now get the fuck out of here!"

"How does it feel, knowing you're going to die never having a good blow job in your life Steve? You were only ever naked with one woman before your wife. Sure Leslie was a cute little pixie, but seriously, that was awkward as all fuck. You know as well as I do that Melissa was bullshitting about her bad gag reflex. But you know all too well that she is completely about receiving and not giving; sexually, financially, and emotionally. You are a sad little bitch Steve."

"I'm about to drink a bottle of drain cleaner in a 7-11 bathroom so that she can't fuck over my life anymore. You don't need to tell me how much of a pathetic bitch I am."

"Don't you get it? Yes I do need to tell you Steve. What do you think hell is exactly? How can any of that Dante's Inferno shit hold any weight when you don't have a physical body to feel any physical pain? You saw how pointless it was earlier taking that sloppy swing at me; which I might add, even I had a physical body that weak punch of yours would have felt like a fluffy little love tap. Why do you think it is that the forbidden fruit in the Bible is from the tree of knowledge? Because when they said ignorance is bliss they are not fucking kidding. Most humans will go through their lives foolishly clinging to codes of conduct trying to wrap up all there is to know into a nice little concept that they can slap onto a bumper sticker and then move on to what toppings they want on their pizza. Those people who try to dig deep into the meaning of it all and actually bother to read books that aren't about Hobbits, Vampires or Wizards, they generally lead sad alienated lives. Friends soon become enemies when one stumbles upon something that changes the way they view the universe. Acquaintances are just stupid drones in the ant colony pulling their 9-5 and then scurrying home to kill brain cells with celebrity gossip and reality TV. Family becomes strangers that will never understand them. The more knowledge one obtains the more they are trapped in hell. You can try to learn all you can about ways to gain friends and influence people, but there will always be that disconnect where you cannot be free to be completely open, accepted, and understood. While you may learn to love and accept others despite their flaws and infinite stupidity, no one will be able to love you the same way because humans always view those who are more intelligent than themselves with suspicion. Only the mediocre get to grow old, the truly stupid either dies by their own hands or the hands of their leaders while the truly brilliant burn out. Once you're dead, I can take you painfully down the rabbit hole as far as it goes. Hell -my friend- is having a full knowledge of all that is and all that could have been. Knowing full well how futile things are that people tend to waste entire an entire lifetime fixated upon or worse yet learning exactly how much pain and suffering can be caused by modest sensibilities and good intentions. Knowing what exactly happened to that homeless man you refused to give change to. Knowing that yes, you could have made a couple million dollars on a pyramid scheme and retired at the age of 45. Knowing every single woman that would have been more than willing to polish your knob that you passed up because you were too busy feeling sorry for yourself and too chicken shit to approach them. Knowing you only had that one shot and you pissed it all away with penitent bullshit, playing it safe and just plain dumb-assery."

“But I am not dead yet. So why are we having this conversation? You said you've already bought my soul, so what else could you possibly want from me?”

“Eternity is a long time Stevie, and I will admit that I can get really fucking bored at times. The funny thing about God is that even though he and I don’t really have warm fuzzies for each other we are still on speaking terms, and if you’ve ever read the Bible you would know from the story of Job that he and I will make a wager from time to time. Just because mankind has free agency doesn’t mean that you aren’t constantly surrounded by supernatural influences trying to pull you in one direction or another.”

“Wait! So I am a fucking bet?”

“That you are. You see, I am at a point where I really want to get this Armageddon thing going and over with because after all is said and done there I get to go on a really long vacation. I’ve made a wager with the big guy that mankind has become so arrogant that I could personally visit 1 million people over a 100 year period and personally tell them how they are fucking up and what they need to do to turn their lives around and in the end most of you bastards are going still going to see my ugly face when you die saying ‘well, you didn’t learn a damned thing now did ya?’ If the majority can turn their lives around and can shed their mortal coil largely free from guilt and regret then the end of days will be moved back down to a B priority action item on God’s ‘to do” list. If most of you wind up going through hell anyway, well Armageddon gets to be the A1 ticket for God to take care of after he finishes his Wheaties.”

“Humor me. What’s the score?”

“Oh, I’ve already got my shorts packed for. Don’t worry though; you’ll be dead one way or another before the end of the world anyway. That and despite the fact that humanity as a whole has fucked itself over, there still might be some hope for you.”

“Tell me then. What am I supposed to change? I did things by the book as long as I can remember and now I am here. What kind of fucked up game is this anyhow? You live your entire life being told to be obedient, read the bible, follow the 10 commandments, go to church, settle down, go to college, find a good job, and then raise a family and a big fat fucking halo is going to be waiting for you once you bite the big one. I did all of that shit and everything blew up in my fucking face! Now you tell me I did everything wrong. Well what the hell am I supposed to do?”

“The Universe is expanding at an exponential rate Stevie. God isn’t looking for sheep that will blindly do everything they are told, despite all of the allegory about Jesus being a shepherd- ya-da-ya-da. He needs people who demonstrated in their lifetime that they have the potential to be able to help keep the Universe expanding. This is where God and I had our big disagreement however. Everything in the Universe needs structure, has protocols, and a firm set of rules. God wants people who will disregard those rules for the sake of virtue. God is all about virtue. I on the other hand prefer orthodoxy. Make an exception once and you will find yourself always making exceptions to the rules. Soon you have chaos, confusion, disorder. This is why there is so much “evil” in the world Stevie. God wants you to go about on your own and make mistakes and come to your own conclusions about things without being an arrogant prick about it. He wants you coming back to him hardened yet humbled. 

The Egyptians have an explanation for how judgment works that is more accurate than most. When you die you are taken by Anubis to meet Osiris. Osiris judges you by placing your heart on a scale. If your heart weighs more than a feather then you are denied entrance into paradise. In the end, you are your own fucking judge. Every Zoloft or Prozac you take not because you have a chemical imbalance but because you feel too burdened by life. Every drink you take not in celebration but as a means of self-medication. Every minute you spend at a job that you hate. Every day you spend in an unfulfilling relationship. It all adds up turning your heart into a giant chunk of fucking stone and sending your soul straight into my hands.”

“So God prefers chaos and you prefer order and I am supposed to run around with my underwear over my head banging Japanese school girls with reefer in one hand and beer in the other for shits and giggles and if I manage to drown in a puddle of my own puke I get a free pass to heaven?”

“Bold speech from a man that was seconds away from drowning in a puddle of his own liquefied organs. Of course if I didn’t stop you then the time we would be spending together would be much longer. Then again, I’m wagering you’re still going to hell at some point anyway.”

I had to take a second to collect my thoughts, I couldn’t keep on my feet anymore as I had been so rattled and I braced myself against the wall as I slid to the ground across from the toilet.

“You’re confusing the ever living shit out of me. That and since you are supposed to be the Devil I know you as the lord of all lies. In all the stories you tell partial truths but toss in a few lies in order to throw people off and get them to do your bidding.”

“What do you think I haven’t been honest about here Stevie?”

“I’m pretty sure your shtick on how God wants us all to be hedonistic bastards is complete shit.”

“If you think that’s what I said then I’m afraid it’s your listening skills that are shit. It’s not hedonism; it’s the fucking apple in the Adam and Eve story. It’s the path of knowledge and enlightenment, knowing in the end that it’s ok to fuck up so long as you’ve learned from it. It’s not sliding into hell sideways and on fire screaming ‘that was fucking awesome’, nor is it getting dragged in front of St. Peter with the chains of dogma around your neck. It’s putting the pieces together without a fucking roadmap and knowing good from evil because you’ve personally experienced both. If it were up to me we would have just made humanity as a giant ant colony without the headache of cognition or free will. Fuck, 99% of all atheists who claim not to believe in me -or God- still worship some form of human authority. Even if they don’t like the idea of an invisible man in the sky telling them what they should or shouldn’t do, everyone would all fall to pieces if they didn’t have their kings and governments. Free will is just a big fucking burden, a wrench in the machine. It’s because man has free will that man must suffer through the short and brutal mortal phase. Secretly they all want the comfort of conformity. They all want to be a part of their little communist Smurf colonies where they don’t ever have to make any life altering decisions and if they just do as they are told everything will be provided to them. I could have provided that for humanity. I could have provided the perfect dictatorship that humanity craves. I would have been the God that everyone wants to follow instead of the God that everyone thinks is either asleep on the job or entirely non-existent. Instead I’ve been relegated to my highly misunderstood and sorely unappreciated job.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you are full of yourself?”

“Jesus does every time I see the bastard… That was a pun by the way, if you understood the joke.”

“I got it; Joseph wasn’t his biological father, clever.”

“Don’t try getting sarcastic with me little bitch; I invented sarcasm.”

“You are so full of shit! Don’t think I am not onto your game. This is Faust all over again. You grant me world experience at the cost of my soul. All I have to do is skip town and start over again in another country and everything will be roses. Bullshit! I can’t run away from my problems and I can’t clear my name either. Everyone I know and have ever cared about thinks that I am some sort of monster even though I haven’t done anything wrong. I lived a good life; I was active in my church. I have accepted the lord Jesus as my personal savior. I was faithful to my wife and honest in my dealings. I never purposely hurt anyone. The cross roads I stand at are either ending everything right now and die knowing that my only sin was taking my own life, or I take your advice knowing full well that I’ll be paving my own path to hell with no guarantee that my past won’t catch up with me at some point and make things infinitely worse.”

“Are you willing to make that gamble Stevie? I am telling you that if you drink that drain cleaner our time together will be much longer than you are thinking. Of course, I could just be completely full of shit and at the bottom of that bottle is the portal back to God’s loving arms. What do you think is the worse sin; being miserable your entire life and eventually killing yourself of actually enjoying your brief time here but maybe you had a few drinks and occasionally stuck your dick in some chick that knew full well you wouldn’t call her in the morning?

Let me tell you a little story about a conversation I once had with God. It was back quite a while ago and mankind was on the brink of evolution. Despite what you might have read, it actually took a while for Men to evolve out of the dust of the earth. Once God had the two perfect specimens it became time to quarantine them and let the games begin. When he said that they would be given complete free agency, even to choose if they would perpetuate the species or not, I questioned his logic and in turn got this menial job.

Before he closed the door saying that I would be stuck on this rock full of monkeys he held up a handful of sand and slowly let the grains fall to the ground. He told me that trying to maintain strict control over everything in the Universe was like unto tightening your grasp on a handful of sand. The faster and harder you tighten your grip, the sooner those grains will slip between your fingers.

So are you going to clench your fist in a final act of defiance and chug the contents of that blue bottle, or can you learn to relax a bit and be content to let the grains rest easy in your hand?”

“I’ve had enough of your bullshit! Don’t think I haven’t figured out your game. I now know what my real options are because I know you’re sole purpose is to convince me to do whatever will damn my soul to hell. So if you say that I shouldn’t drink, then I should drink…”

At that I chugged the contents of that bottle as fast as I could, not getting very far before spitting red chucks and foam everywhere. I didn’t know such pain could exist. I couldn’t control anything my body was doing at that point. That bastard just stood over me gloating as I lay on the ground writing in agony.

I kept repeating the words in my head, “In the name of Jesus, I command you to leave.”

It was to no avail. That grin on his face grew wider and wider and he crept closer as I could literally feel parts of myself melting away and shifting around inside my body until everything finally went black.

The pain was gone but I could hear his voice inside my head now as everything started to pull back into focus.

“Stevie… Hey Stevie… You know how I told you that I already bought your soul? Remember how I said you wouldn’t like how cheap it came? $7.99, the price of a bottle of drain cleaner. We are gonna be such good friends you and I, and we are going to have so much time to really get to know each-other. Maybe we should start an acoustic guitar band doing covers of Fleetwood Mac, whaddaya say Stevie boy?”

I looked around and we were still in that bathroom, but everything seemed… cold. It took me a second to realize that what I was seeing on the floor was my own corpse, red chunks and foam still pouring from my mouth and nostrils.

There would be no pearly gates for me, I wouldn’t even get dragged before Osiris to have my heart weighed. That blue bottle added about 12 tons onto that scale. Not really the blue bottle itself by my own arrogance that led me to drink the contents of that bottle as if I were Socrates drinking the hemlock.

The bastard danced around mocking me when suddenly his gigantic grin fell to a dead serious stare and he froze dead in his tracks.

“…I regret we won’t be able to start that band Stevie. You invoked the name of Jesus and commanded me to leave. I am afraid I have to comply. I must leave you here now. You’re going to have an awfully long time to think about what you did… naughty boy. Welcome customer number 602,412!”

-End

Movies I Would Make If I Could.

The Uncanny X-Men

With the loss of Professor X as well as Cyclops and Jean Grey (We all know they never stay dead, but we are taking them out of the picture for this movie and keeping with the movie continuity.) The X-men find themselves at a crisis for leadership as Storm (played by anyone else but Halle Berry) tries to assume the leadership position and is met with opposition and stubbornness.

She revisits her origins being worshiped as a goddess in Africa and wrestles with learning the difference between leading a tribe of devoted followers and trying to lead a team of individuals as powerful as herself.

Meanwhile a mysterious time traveler (Played by Michael Clarke Duncan) tracks down the disgraced Graydon Creed with seemingly unlimited resources and designs for an army of robotic monstrosities called sentinels. The time traveler tells Creed tales of a future where mutants enslave humanity and how this must be stopped. What he doesn't tell Creed is that he himself plans to enslave humanity and only needs Creed's assistance in eliminating any mutants that would oppose the rule of Apocalypse.

What Apocalypse does not know is that another time traveler has followed him and plans to put a stop to his dastardly plan. Cybertronic telekinetic bad ass, Cable (Played by Dolph Ludgren) is the future son of Scott Summers and Jean Grey and he tracks down the X-men to inform them of the coming of Apocalypse and the Sentinels and lead them into battle. Through his pure badassery he delivers up a dose of much needed humility to Storm so that she can learn to lead the X-men as their equal, and also to Wolverine to convince him to stay with the X-men.

The movie ends with both the reincarnated Professor X and Magneto (who has just regained his powers) coming onto the scene and joining forces to help defeat Apocalypse. When Cable is getting ready to return to his own time he reveals his origins to the X-men with a promise that Cyclops and Jean Grey will be returning to join them once again as well.

Also appearing in this film: Josh Brolin as Mr. Sinister. Another powerful mutant bent on total enslavement of the human race. He plays the role of Joseph Groebells to Apocalypse's Adolph Hitler.

Simon's Quest

(Yes I am taking a few liberties with the plot, let the nerdrage commence.)

Upon discovering the curse of Dracula that allows this powerful vampire to arise every 100 years, the Belmonte clan thought they could put an end to Dracula once and for all by dismembering him and sending the body parts to be guarded in various monasteries throughout Eastern Europe.

Now it is the late 1600's and Dracula cannot manifest physically and thus his spirit is bringing to life an army of terrors to plague the night. In order to put an end to the curse the body parts of Dracula must be gathered together so that the evil count can physically manifest himself and then he must be staked to the ground through the heart and his body burned.

The Belmonte clan knows that only the pure of heart can face these evils without the darkness in their hearts being used against them.

The young Simon Belmonte is chosen to undergo this quest aided by a holy morning star ball and chain passed down throughout the Belmonte family since the era of the first crusades. The weapon has been blessed with the power to destroy demons.

Simon's travels lead him to cross paths with many evil monsters including Gorgons, and he is even lead to the Grim Reaper across the river Styx by the undead ferryman Charon. "Sure, I will take you to a nice place. He he he!"

It's a terrible night to have a curse, and an even more terrible night to miss this action packed monster fest.

George Orwell’s, Animal Farm

Leave the kids at home for this one because we are finally giving Orwell’s allegorical tale about Soviet Communism the treatment it deserves.

No cutesy cartoons or horrible computer animated moving mouths on live animals.

Here is what we would do…

Tim Burton claymation with at least a strong pg-13 rating.

Ayn Rand’s, Atlas Shrugged

After nearly 60 years the hastily made low budget movie treatment that Ayn Rand’s masterpiece is being given simply will not do.

There is too much content to be forced into one movie so I agree it should be put into three parts.

Here is where the current movies got it wrong though:

The current movies focus too much on the politics of the book and strive to try to make the material relevant by putting it to a modern setting. The book was not meant for a modern setting and so the movies are not connecting at all.

This book was written at the height of 1950’s Film-Noir and Sci-Fi. The performances thought to be dry and robotic by novice actors would not have been out of place at all if the stoic characters of Hank Reardon and Dagny Taggart were played by actors with the cool and deliberate delivery that could have been given by masters of the era such as Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.

If I had the ability to make this novel into a series of movies I would focus entirely on the art direction and put the politics on the back burner.

Trying to make these movies into right wing propaganda films has made them into films that only those who regularly watch right wing propaganda are willing to pay theater prices to see.

I would take the movies back to a 1950’s setting where they belong and play up on the Film Noir style delivery of the performances and would make these movies into a Film-Noir, Sci-fi, Steampunk masterpiece.

G. Edward Griffen’s, The Creature From Jekyll Island

Of course I would want to do a movie on the book that my band has been named after (www.facebook.com/jekyllislandmusic)

Conspiracy thrillers are always a box office hot ticket item, and what better way to bring to light the true causes of our current financial crisis, the great depression, and any other financial fiasco since 1913 then making the story into a Hollywood thriller?

It would work a hell of a lot better then shouting at people from a street corner with a bullhorn (cough)Alex Jones(cough)

What movies would you want to see done if you had the ability or money?

The Big Deal: Pt 3, Self-Esteem

This last installment of this blog series is being put forth with two purposes in mind. First and foremost I want to try to give some encouragement to other guys that are struggling with being overweight. Being overweight isn't easy but it shouldn't keep you from being able to enjoy life either. Secondly, while I don't want anyone’s pity or sympathy I hope that in explaining the plights of being an overweight male it can maybe help to encourage a little more respect and understanding from those who do not struggle with weight issues.

The overweight are the one minority that it is still socially acceptable, in most situations, to openly discriminate against. Just a few examples of this in the last 24 hours alone I've seen at least 2 jokes posted on Facebook making cracks at fat people. One posed the question, "If bars can turn away drunk people, why can't McDonalds turn away fat people?"

While the general consensus is mostly correct that being overweight can be corrected by a change of lifestyle, the notions that fat people just sit around all day constantly eating junk food or raiding McDonalds is not just incorrect it is stupidly wrong.

A prime example of this came to light in a high school health class during a lecture about nutrition. I was one of 3 kids in the class that kept being called on by the teacher, not to single us out particularly but to show the rest of the class how their eating habits were just as bad if not worse than the fat kids in the class. The biggest surprise to everyone was one short wiry kid with a giant felt top-hat about as tall as himself (Yes this was the 90’s) who admitted that pretty much any time he had some extra money he would get a half gallon of ice cream and an 8 piece fried chicken dinner and eat it all in one sitting. The kid also spent probably 12 hours a day on his skateboard so it probably evened out, though I wouldn’t be surprised if it all caught up with him as he got older. At the end of the lecture we learned that the fat kids in the class weren’t eating what could be considered healthy food or the right amount of food, but neither was anyone else.

So the irony here is that the people who sit around on Facebook posting jokes about fat people are just as likely to be sitting around , eating crap food and posting on Facebook as a fat person would be likely to be sitting around, eating crap food and posting on Facebook.

It gets better though,

About 2 years ago we decided we were going to make a significant investment in trying to hire a personal trainer from Gold’s Gym, as my wife and I decided we were going to get into shape come hell or high water. (We got hosed)

We had a really good trainer for a little while but got stuck with some real idiots when we had to change the location we were frequenting. Though it was more Gold’s horrible billing issues that I took issue with than the idiot trainers. That’s another story though.

This would be the beginning of finding out how little I actually knew about nutrition and exercise.

My eating and exercise habits were admittedly complete crap, particularly during my teenage years and into early adult hood my diet was largely 7-11 nachos and Mt. Dew. As I got older I had to learn to listen to my body more and I could no longer eat greasy and sugary crap without paying for it in the middle of the night.

When we started seeing the trainer he wanted us to keep track of everything we were putting into our mouths for a week. (Now I try and often fail to keep track of everything I eat via Fatsecret.com and their calorie counter app for android) I was taken back when he immediately looked over what I had been eating and said, “You’re not eating enough.”

WHAT? Isn’t everyone always saying that staying in shape is just as simple as “eat less, exercise more?”

Here is where I learned of a vicious cycle that can actually make you gain more weight. When you aren’t eating enough or eating regularly your metabolism slows down holding onto everything you put into it. Apparently this is the trick behind that whole HCG craze is to pump you full of hormones that tell your body not to hold onto the various fats and nutrients you consume while you are starving yourself to death. Sure you lose weight but I am sure the side effects are not fully known to this point and it will probably be similar to the whole phen-phen craze. People that are seriously overweight often times will resort to starvation diets thinking that the less they eat the faster they will lose the weight. Once the metabolism slows down and they see they are not losing weight the tendency is to go on a binge once giving up on the starvation diet, thus adding more weight.

So the trainer puts down a number that looks ridiculous to me and states that this is how many calories I should be consuming in a day. How am I supposed to eat that much in a day? The answer I was given didn’t inspire much confidence. “Well we aren’t nutrition experts.”

Thus began an even more vicious cycle with trying to consume whatever I could with a high caloric intake so that I could meet my daily quota. Though I still haven’t found a way to consume this many calories via healthy food, I am pretty sure that when over 50% of your daily caloric intake are calories from fat then you are just going to get more fat.

The idea here wasn’t to go off on a huge lecture about exercise and nutrition, but if you don’t struggle with maintaining a healthy weight, and you don’t ever count your calories or worry about things like proper nutrition and have never whipped yourself in the nuts with one of those stupid pink Pilates rubber bands then the next time you go off on fat people I will personally strip naked, sit on your face and EAT YOUR DREAMS!

The obsession with body image and hatred for the overweight is one of those mind bogglingly illogical things that gives me the urge to head-butt a table saw at times. It’s not like an army of fat people ever marched on Poland eating everyone’s parents. At the absolute worst maybe you’ve had to deal with the inconvenience of sitting next to a fat person on the bus or on an airplane, but trust me, they are just as uncomfortable with the fact that they are being forced to make physical contact with a stranger as you are. In the end people don’t like fat people and make fun of fat people because society says that it’s ok to make fun of fat people and hate fat people because “they did it to themselves.” We give more reverence and respect to alcoholics and drug addicts than we do to the overweight. Didn’t they “do it to themselves” as well?

For those that are overweight you already understand how pointless and cruel people can be and how people will instantly invalidate you any time you try to put forth a serious effort on anything simply because of your appearance.

I could fill your head with 12 step psychobabble all day long to try to make you feel better about your situation but in the end there is only one thing that I have found that will give you the determination and the confidence to be able to go forth defiantly in the face of the brainless hordes and that is to find a purpose to fight for. It doesn’t matter what your purpose is so long as you have some sort of driving goal that is more important than anything else in the world. And once you’ve accomplished that goal, move on to the next one. Now I admit that I am trying to make something really complicated sound really simple but the bottom line is that you can either try to find the things that will make you happy and succeed, or spend the rest of your life trying to make other people happy and always fail.

When you have a purpose, nothing else really matters. Other people can say what they want and do what they will and while I can’t say that you’ll never be hurt or offended you will be able to get over those hurtful words much faster the more you realize that those other people’s opinions do not matter and they themselves do not matter.

I forget who it was that said this but I try to live by these words, “I don’t care what you think of me, I don’t think of you at all.” This kind of attitude can only be accomplished once you’ve determined what is it that you want and refuse to let anyone stop you from obtaining it.

A good way to start is to make a bucket list. Make 3 different categories: Things you want to do before you die things you want to own before you die, things you want people to say about you when you die.

Rank each item in each list until you’ve determined you’re number one item in each category and turn this into your personal mantra and write it on your bathroom mirror so you can see it every day when you wake up:

“I will do ____, I will have____, I will be____.”

Now take each one of these and break it up into steps that would be required in order to accomplish each one.

Break each one of these steps down further into the steps that are required to meet each one of the aforementioned steps. Keep doing this until you have a good checklist of all of the minor components required broken up into tasks that you can schedule on a week by week basis. Put an appointment down on your calendar for each task you are going to try to complete. If you don’t know exactly what day and time you are going to work on said task, you will put it off forever.

That is the super condensed version.

Now I admit I haven’t fully mastered this technique myself. Part of the reasons why I am overweight is because of the chaotic and disorganized lifestyle that I am trying to break myself of. Stress makes you fat, it’s a scientific fact. Now I just need to give myself a good kick in the butt to quit putting off action items for my “I will have an action hero body” goal.

I hope someone out there will get some sort of help out of reading this. As always, your comments are appreciated.

The Big Deal pt 2: The Clothes Make The Man

I had stated earlier that this series of blogs is coming about by request. This is only partially true.

The initial request I was given was pretty much, “Hey Jeff, I think we need to stage an intervention. You are proof that big guys are capable of dressing like something that wasn’t vomited out of the mouth of a truck stop next to the Nascar speedway… so please, write a blog telling fat dudes that no one wants to see their ass crack or their gut hanging out from under their shirt.”

Ok, so the request was a little more tactful but from this spawned the entire series as I had discovered that there is not much support out there for larger guys in general.

So this part of the series will focus entirely on hygiene and fashion, or essentially breaking through the stereotype that larger people are sloppy and stinky. Now, I too at one time fell under many of the fashion faux pas made by larger men, and to be honest I had to be trained by my wife who at one point tried to get me on the show “What not to wear.” But I have learned my lessons well, and will now pass on my knowledge.

1. Hygiene You would think this would be a common sense issue but there are so many that are so clueless.

PAY HEED AS THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE!!!

The most important thing you can do to make yourself more socially approachable is to make sure that you smell good. You’ve probably heard before that smell is the number one thing people will commit to memory, and this is definitely the truth.

The last time I went to the Westerner (a horrible Country/Western nightclub, which I might add the only reason I was in such a horrible place to begin with was because we had a friend throwing a moving away party that night), we had to leave in about 10 minutes flat. Now it wasn’t so much the fact that the staff was rude or that the only thing they served at all was Budweiser that made us take off so quickly as much as the fact that the place was filled with 200 phony cowboys who all had a major case of the beef jerky sweats.

If you smell bad, all deals are off. You could look like a 10 but will instantly become a 0 if you can’t keep your body odor under control.

First and foremost, wear deodorant. Your underarms are the number 1 source of body odor and those who refuse to wear under arm deodorant, well…

Now I’ve met many stinky guys who have a million excuses for not wearing deodorant, this biggest excuse being that they are allergic to under arm deodorants. If this is the case you can get a prescription deodorant from your doctor or a dermatologist, or a less expensive option would be to go to one of those hippie organic stores and buy an organic deodorant (nothing patchouli scented!) Whatever route you use, never forget to wear deodorant.

Secondly, wear clean underwear and clean socks, as these would be the second and third smelliest parts of your body.

Thirdly, avoid stinky food (like beef jerky) if you are going to be somewhere you will be surrounded by people or where you know you will be sweating. The smell from the food you eat will come out through your pours and no one wants to be stuck in an elevator with the guy who is sweating out the smell of the taco cart by the Ford dealership.

Fourth, brush and floss your teeth. They say flossing will actually help control bad breath more than brushing your teeth as food particles stuck between your teeth that start to rot will be the biggest contributor to bad breath. Most of us remember to brush our teeth, but how many remember to floss every day? Also, use a mouthwash. It’s cheap, and it kills bacteria on your tongue and in the back of your throat that can give you bad breath. Carrying gum and breath mints on you are also encouraged.

On Cologne:

Cologne should only be used in the manner that people should only be able to smell it if they are closer than high school slow dance distance from you. Too much cologne is just as offensive as beef jerky sweats though beef jerky sweats can be dismissed as social ineptitude while too much cologne is indicative of douchebaggery. Not only that, but most women equate the fact that you are wearing to much cologne as a sign that you probably forgot to shower or are trying to cover up some sort of glandular issue.

2. Fashion The two main issues that larger guys need to avoid that add to public ridicule are plumbers crack, and trucker gut. Everyone knows what plumbers crack is. For those not familiar with the trucker gut, this is when the bottom part of your naked gut is clearly visible as it hangs over the belt line of your pants and your shirt is not long enough to cover your pasty flab.

First and foremost, you need to make sure the clothes that you buy will actually fit you. It’s a tough pill to swallow, and there was a time back when I would be constantly cursing as the largest sizes that would be carried at the local Wal-Mart were always the first thing to fly off the shelves. One day I decided to swallow my pride as I knew that it would be a crap shoot as to whether or not any of the regular stores had not been cleaned out of dress shirts in my size so I decided to swallow my pride and just head over to the big and tall store. Since then I have never turned back.

Instead of cluttered and organized shelves filled with mostly crap, and having to deal with other people trying to murder me with their shopping carts -not to mention the stigma when the 4’11” cashier girl holds up the pants you are buying and she could easily get lost down just one pant leg- now we have a store that is clean and well organized. Instead of having to hunt down an associate -only to find they know nothing of clothing as they work in pet supplies- I am greeted by a friendly well-dressed older gentleman with a tape measure draped over his shoulders. He makes polite conversation as he measures me to find a shirt that will fit right and doesn’t wince or make any weird gestures or comments because he works with people my size, and some much larger, every day.

Did I pay more for the dress shirt? Yes I did. Though I actually bought 2 dress shirts that day nearly 5 years ago and while I sadly had to throw one of them out as I wore through the elbows about 3 months ago, the other one is standing strong. When is the last time you bought anything from Wal-Mart that lasted 5 years?

Secondly, there are just a few rules larger guys need to follow to avoid the dreaded plumber’s crack and trucker gut.

The most important rule is to always tuck your shirt in. If you don’t want to tuck your shirt in, than wear an undershirt and tuck in your undershirt but always have at least 1 shirt tucked in. Then, make sure you always wear a belt. This is not only to keep your pants up but to keep your shirt tucked in. Pants with an elastic waist make baby Jesus cry if you leave the house while wearing them, unless you are going to the gym. So always wear pants that can facilitate a belt, and always wear said belt.

Now much of what I am going to say next might offend some people as I will be mocking many people’s sense of style. Being bigger ads an extra degree of negative connotation that would be added to any stereotype already handed down by your choice of fashion. Now not only are you a dumb white guy trying to dress like a “gangsta” but now you’re a dumb, fat, white guy trying to dress like a “gangsta.” Now you’re not just an idiot Juggalo, you’re a fat, idiot Juggalo.

I’ll give most people till the age of 25 to use youth as an excuse for dressing like an idiot, but after that you really need to start being a little concerned about what a potential employer is going to find out about you if they look up your photos on Facebook.

If you want clothes that make you look good then there are a few tricks you can use:

Avoid T-shirts with a rounded collar. The round collar adds to the roundness of your face making you look heavier. Look for V-neck shirts, polo’s, button down’s, etc.

Look for straight leg pants with a relaxed fit, and avoid pleats.

Stripes can be your best friend or worst enemy. They are your best friend when they run vertically as they give the illusion of making your body look longer, whereas horizontal stripes make your body look wider.

A blazer can be worn with just about anything and the generally sharp lines you will find in the cut of most blazers and sport coats will help make your figure look less round.

A good pair of Doc Martens can be worn with just about anything and they last forever, (I’m talking about their regular shoes and boots, not the combat boots or their power ranger type shoes.)

Camouflage always looks stupid on bigger guys. You might as well get the hat that holds the beer cans on the side to go with your Camo cargo pants, and let’s face it; no one will believe you are part of any division of the armed forces. So wear something that doesn’t make you look like you are part of a covert op to raid the buffet table at the Sizzler.

Anything plaid or checkered should be avoided unless it’s a Kilt. It’s kind of the horizontal stripes issue combined with implications that your house is supported by cinder blocks. Which reminds me; I shouldn’t have to say it but sleeves on your shirt are mandatory.

If you insist on going all black, there is a right way and a wrong way to do that. The image above is definitely the wrong way. What we’ve already covered will help you do it the right way. Keep it clean; make sure it fits right, if not your regular shirt than an undershirt that is tucked in and pants that are held up with a good belt.

Ultimately, you want to wear what is appropriate for the occasion. So maybe camo is okay if you’re going on a deer hunt, but definitely not something to wear to your cousins wedding or to a job interview.

3. Grooming

Grooming and Manscaping can be a very subjective issue.

There are just a few things I would suggest.

Eyebrows: make sure you’ve got two of them and that they haven’t grown into one giant mass.

Facial hair: Like anything else, just keep it clean. Though I would advise against the goatee as it seems you can throw a rock into any crowd and hit a fat guy wearing glasses, a goatee, and a ponytail.

Hair: Once your hair starts thinning out, it is no longer ok to try to grow it out long. I used to have long hair myself, but this went away when my hair started to thin. Someone took a picture of me and I looked like Benjamin Franklin.

Also, the best argument against having a ponytail and a goatee if you are a larger guy…

In conclusion:

Not only will you be better received by others but putting in a little extra effort into your appearance will also give you a massive boost to your self-esteem. The old cliché is correct; when you look good you will feel good. The major issues we covered will cost you less than $100 to correct (What I figure you’d pay for an organic deodorant, a pair of pants with a belt, and an undershirt that can be tucked in.)

You’ll be glad you made the investment on yourself.

The Big Deal, pt 1

Every now and again something happens that reminds me, “Oh yeah, I’ve got a blog. Maybe I should use it.”

So after some prodding and a few kicks in the butt I’m going to try to be more diligent about writing some articles for this blog for the 3 people who are interested in what I have to say.

This series of blogs is coming about by special request.

I’ve been a larger guy pretty much all of my life, and while it’s something that I struggle with and would like to change; we all have to play the hand that we are dealt. While I wouldn’t say that I am anywhere near where I would like to be in life, I was recently approached and asked if I would consider writing a series of blogs aimed at helping bigger guys work through self-esteem issues and the other problems that men face in being overweight. Now I wouldn’t consider myself a success story but being as I started as the least popular kid in the trailer park, maybe I do have some advice that should be shared.

I did a little research and found that in a country where more and more people are getting bigger and bigger, there does seems to be quite a bit more support out there for big beautiful ladies than there is for big handsome men. Maybe this is because we are men and we are supposed to be all tough and independent, and fat or not, we don’t need advice. Bull. So let me break down for you some of the things I have learned and how to turn some of the problems you face being overweight to your advantage.

1. Haters Gonna Hate

Everyone expects that larger people will be given mercilessly tormented during those 12 years of compulsory schooling, but if you think it ever ends it does not. You will always find judging eyes and people who can’t keep their ill-informed opinions to themselves.

There is an advantage to this though. Much as it sucks to be tormented for something that is much more difficult to control than most people think, there are great advantages to having to deal with a great deal of torment.
While some people will be emotionally scarred for life and will never be able to function socially others will develop a thicker skin and while other people are fuming, or breaking into tears, or otherwise freaking out over something small you will have the cool you need to get done what has to get done. Those who have been through and endless barrage of idiocy can approach difficult situations with a level head easier than those who are unaccustomed to others being mean, belligerent, violent, or otherwise difficult.

Long story short, Zombieland is wrong. When the zombie apocalypse hits the fatties won’t be the first to go because we will be able to keep our shit together to figure out various modes of transportation so that we don’t have to worry about being in good enough shape to outrun the undead. So while the former prom queen is getting zombified because she was too busy crying over the fact that her cat Mr. Snuggles got eaten to get to safe ground, us fatties will be zipping around on solar powered motor carts mowing down those zombie bastards.

Not only that, but bigger guys are generally bound to have been in at least one fight in their lives so odds are if push comes to shove you stand a better chance of defending yourself if you absolutely have to.



2. Your dating prospects aren’t as narrow as you would think.

First off all, if you are a bigger guy the worst thing you could do is to let your friends try to set you up on dates. You will soon find that for most people the only method that they use for judging compatibility for larger people is, “you’re fat, she’s fat, you should be a good match.”

Despite what you may think or what society may tell you, it’s not the fact that you are fat that would turn women off from wanting to date you. It’s the stereotypes about fat people that are ruining your chances. If you can defy the following stereotypes then you will find your dating prospects vastly improved.

a. Fat people are lazy and unmotivated.
b. Fat people are generally sloppy in their appearance and hygiene.
c. Fat people have a poor self-image and too many emotional issues.

I will approach each one of these issues in separate blogs.

Knowing a few women that are either currently with or have dated larger men in the past, there is a consensus about bigger men who are able to overcome those three main issues.

Many larger men can be less emotional and don’t take themselves too seriously. Larger men tend to know where to find the best food and entertainment. They are often of a more generous nature making them more attentive in relationships and better lovers. Being well natured, generous and being able to find the best food and entertainment also can lead to prominent positions within various social circles and man’s social position is something that is very important for what a woman looks for in a man.

Now there will be women out there that will dismiss you entirely based upon the fact that you are overweight, but it is something that any larger man will have to get used to in life. You will have to work harder for everything you achieve based on the fact that people are willing to dismiss you right away based on the fact that you are overweight. Statistically overweight people have fewer dating prospects; have harder times finding jobs, apartments, etc, compared to normal sized people.
The bottom line is that you will have to get over the fact that you will be told “No” more often than you can count. You will have to be tenacious and will have to learn to recover quickly from rejection not just to find a suitable mate, but to find a suitable job, a suitable house or apartment, and often times a suitable suit.

3. Don’t give up on yourself.

I do believe that a big part to being able to live a happy life is to be able to live a healthy life, and my weight is my greatest life struggle. Believe me, it irritates me to no end when someone says “Why don’t you just eat less and exercise more?” while they have a metabolism that allows them to stuff their face with beer battered bacon all day long and never gain an ounce.

While food is one of those things that I love and I definitely do not have the control of some people I know to constantly be doing lemon juice only cleanses and crap like that, the fact is that especially as I have hit my 30’s my body is rebelling against me. If I don’t try to eat healthier food and if I am not getting exercise on a regular basis not only do I feel like crap all the time but the numbers on the scale get bigger and bigger. When I am eating healthy and getting exercise on a regular basis, those numbers rarely go down but at least they stay put.

While I would love to one day obtain an action hero body it’s something that the effort to obtain and maintain for me would be an entirely life encompassing effort. Believe me I have tried. (BTW, Gold’s Gym preys upon fatties and will lie to you every which way to lock you into a contract that will bankrupt you if you try to get out of. So don’t make the same mistake I made of trying to get a personal trainer through them.)

The bottom line is that I don’t want to see what I would become if I always ate till I was full instead of when I know I’ve had enough. I don’t want to see what I would become if I never got any exercise (I haven’t been getting enough as is lately and I feel like my joints are filled with broken glass and my muscles have been replaced with bacon.)

Maybe we will never have action hero bodies, or even bodies that allow us to buy our clothes at the Abercrombie and Douchenozzle stores at the mall, but the last thing you want is to have your stinky, bloated carcass have to be lifted out of your house with a crane when your heart finally gives out.

In the words of famous drag queen Rupaul, “If you can’t love yourself, then how the hell can you love anybody else?”