Movies I Would Make If I Could.

The Uncanny X-Men

With the loss of Professor X as well as Cyclops and Jean Grey (We all know they never stay dead, but we are taking them out of the picture for this movie and keeping with the movie continuity.) The X-men find themselves at a crisis for leadership as Storm (played by anyone else but Halle Berry) tries to assume the leadership position and is met with opposition and stubbornness.

She revisits her origins being worshiped as a goddess in Africa and wrestles with learning the difference between leading a tribe of devoted followers and trying to lead a team of individuals as powerful as herself.

Meanwhile a mysterious time traveler (Played by Michael Clarke Duncan) tracks down the disgraced Graydon Creed with seemingly unlimited resources and designs for an army of robotic monstrosities called sentinels. The time traveler tells Creed tales of a future where mutants enslave humanity and how this must be stopped. What he doesn't tell Creed is that he himself plans to enslave humanity and only needs Creed's assistance in eliminating any mutants that would oppose the rule of Apocalypse.

What Apocalypse does not know is that another time traveler has followed him and plans to put a stop to his dastardly plan. Cybertronic telekinetic bad ass, Cable (Played by Dolph Ludgren) is the future son of Scott Summers and Jean Grey and he tracks down the X-men to inform them of the coming of Apocalypse and the Sentinels and lead them into battle. Through his pure badassery he delivers up a dose of much needed humility to Storm so that she can learn to lead the X-men as their equal, and also to Wolverine to convince him to stay with the X-men.

The movie ends with both the reincarnated Professor X and Magneto (who has just regained his powers) coming onto the scene and joining forces to help defeat Apocalypse. When Cable is getting ready to return to his own time he reveals his origins to the X-men with a promise that Cyclops and Jean Grey will be returning to join them once again as well.

Also appearing in this film: Josh Brolin as Mr. Sinister. Another powerful mutant bent on total enslavement of the human race. He plays the role of Joseph Groebells to Apocalypse's Adolph Hitler.

Simon's Quest

(Yes I am taking a few liberties with the plot, let the nerdrage commence.)

Upon discovering the curse of Dracula that allows this powerful vampire to arise every 100 years, the Belmonte clan thought they could put an end to Dracula once and for all by dismembering him and sending the body parts to be guarded in various monasteries throughout Eastern Europe.

Now it is the late 1600's and Dracula cannot manifest physically and thus his spirit is bringing to life an army of terrors to plague the night. In order to put an end to the curse the body parts of Dracula must be gathered together so that the evil count can physically manifest himself and then he must be staked to the ground through the heart and his body burned.

The Belmonte clan knows that only the pure of heart can face these evils without the darkness in their hearts being used against them.

The young Simon Belmonte is chosen to undergo this quest aided by a holy morning star ball and chain passed down throughout the Belmonte family since the era of the first crusades. The weapon has been blessed with the power to destroy demons.

Simon's travels lead him to cross paths with many evil monsters including Gorgons, and he is even lead to the Grim Reaper across the river Styx by the undead ferryman Charon. "Sure, I will take you to a nice place. He he he!"

It's a terrible night to have a curse, and an even more terrible night to miss this action packed monster fest.

George Orwell’s, Animal Farm

Leave the kids at home for this one because we are finally giving Orwell’s allegorical tale about Soviet Communism the treatment it deserves.

No cutesy cartoons or horrible computer animated moving mouths on live animals.

Here is what we would do…

Tim Burton claymation with at least a strong pg-13 rating.

Ayn Rand’s, Atlas Shrugged

After nearly 60 years the hastily made low budget movie treatment that Ayn Rand’s masterpiece is being given simply will not do.

There is too much content to be forced into one movie so I agree it should be put into three parts.

Here is where the current movies got it wrong though:

The current movies focus too much on the politics of the book and strive to try to make the material relevant by putting it to a modern setting. The book was not meant for a modern setting and so the movies are not connecting at all.

This book was written at the height of 1950’s Film-Noir and Sci-Fi. The performances thought to be dry and robotic by novice actors would not have been out of place at all if the stoic characters of Hank Reardon and Dagny Taggart were played by actors with the cool and deliberate delivery that could have been given by masters of the era such as Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.

If I had the ability to make this novel into a series of movies I would focus entirely on the art direction and put the politics on the back burner.

Trying to make these movies into right wing propaganda films has made them into films that only those who regularly watch right wing propaganda are willing to pay theater prices to see.

I would take the movies back to a 1950’s setting where they belong and play up on the Film Noir style delivery of the performances and would make these movies into a Film-Noir, Sci-fi, Steampunk masterpiece.

G. Edward Griffen’s, The Creature From Jekyll Island

Of course I would want to do a movie on the book that my band has been named after (www.facebook.com/jekyllislandmusic)

Conspiracy thrillers are always a box office hot ticket item, and what better way to bring to light the true causes of our current financial crisis, the great depression, and any other financial fiasco since 1913 then making the story into a Hollywood thriller?

It would work a hell of a lot better then shouting at people from a street corner with a bullhorn (cough)Alex Jones(cough)

What movies would you want to see done if you had the ability or money?

The Big Deal: Pt 3, Self-Esteem

This last installment of this blog series is being put forth with two purposes in mind. First and foremost I want to try to give some encouragement to other guys that are struggling with being overweight. Being overweight isn't easy but it shouldn't keep you from being able to enjoy life either. Secondly, while I don't want anyone’s pity or sympathy I hope that in explaining the plights of being an overweight male it can maybe help to encourage a little more respect and understanding from those who do not struggle with weight issues.

The overweight are the one minority that it is still socially acceptable, in most situations, to openly discriminate against. Just a few examples of this in the last 24 hours alone I've seen at least 2 jokes posted on Facebook making cracks at fat people. One posed the question, "If bars can turn away drunk people, why can't McDonalds turn away fat people?"

While the general consensus is mostly correct that being overweight can be corrected by a change of lifestyle, the notions that fat people just sit around all day constantly eating junk food or raiding McDonalds is not just incorrect it is stupidly wrong.

A prime example of this came to light in a high school health class during a lecture about nutrition. I was one of 3 kids in the class that kept being called on by the teacher, not to single us out particularly but to show the rest of the class how their eating habits were just as bad if not worse than the fat kids in the class. The biggest surprise to everyone was one short wiry kid with a giant felt top-hat about as tall as himself (Yes this was the 90’s) who admitted that pretty much any time he had some extra money he would get a half gallon of ice cream and an 8 piece fried chicken dinner and eat it all in one sitting. The kid also spent probably 12 hours a day on his skateboard so it probably evened out, though I wouldn’t be surprised if it all caught up with him as he got older. At the end of the lecture we learned that the fat kids in the class weren’t eating what could be considered healthy food or the right amount of food, but neither was anyone else.

So the irony here is that the people who sit around on Facebook posting jokes about fat people are just as likely to be sitting around , eating crap food and posting on Facebook as a fat person would be likely to be sitting around, eating crap food and posting on Facebook.

It gets better though,

About 2 years ago we decided we were going to make a significant investment in trying to hire a personal trainer from Gold’s Gym, as my wife and I decided we were going to get into shape come hell or high water. (We got hosed)

We had a really good trainer for a little while but got stuck with some real idiots when we had to change the location we were frequenting. Though it was more Gold’s horrible billing issues that I took issue with than the idiot trainers. That’s another story though.

This would be the beginning of finding out how little I actually knew about nutrition and exercise.

My eating and exercise habits were admittedly complete crap, particularly during my teenage years and into early adult hood my diet was largely 7-11 nachos and Mt. Dew. As I got older I had to learn to listen to my body more and I could no longer eat greasy and sugary crap without paying for it in the middle of the night.

When we started seeing the trainer he wanted us to keep track of everything we were putting into our mouths for a week. (Now I try and often fail to keep track of everything I eat via Fatsecret.com and their calorie counter app for android) I was taken back when he immediately looked over what I had been eating and said, “You’re not eating enough.”

WHAT? Isn’t everyone always saying that staying in shape is just as simple as “eat less, exercise more?”

Here is where I learned of a vicious cycle that can actually make you gain more weight. When you aren’t eating enough or eating regularly your metabolism slows down holding onto everything you put into it. Apparently this is the trick behind that whole HCG craze is to pump you full of hormones that tell your body not to hold onto the various fats and nutrients you consume while you are starving yourself to death. Sure you lose weight but I am sure the side effects are not fully known to this point and it will probably be similar to the whole phen-phen craze. People that are seriously overweight often times will resort to starvation diets thinking that the less they eat the faster they will lose the weight. Once the metabolism slows down and they see they are not losing weight the tendency is to go on a binge once giving up on the starvation diet, thus adding more weight.

So the trainer puts down a number that looks ridiculous to me and states that this is how many calories I should be consuming in a day. How am I supposed to eat that much in a day? The answer I was given didn’t inspire much confidence. “Well we aren’t nutrition experts.”

Thus began an even more vicious cycle with trying to consume whatever I could with a high caloric intake so that I could meet my daily quota. Though I still haven’t found a way to consume this many calories via healthy food, I am pretty sure that when over 50% of your daily caloric intake are calories from fat then you are just going to get more fat.

The idea here wasn’t to go off on a huge lecture about exercise and nutrition, but if you don’t struggle with maintaining a healthy weight, and you don’t ever count your calories or worry about things like proper nutrition and have never whipped yourself in the nuts with one of those stupid pink Pilates rubber bands then the next time you go off on fat people I will personally strip naked, sit on your face and EAT YOUR DREAMS!

The obsession with body image and hatred for the overweight is one of those mind bogglingly illogical things that gives me the urge to head-butt a table saw at times. It’s not like an army of fat people ever marched on Poland eating everyone’s parents. At the absolute worst maybe you’ve had to deal with the inconvenience of sitting next to a fat person on the bus or on an airplane, but trust me, they are just as uncomfortable with the fact that they are being forced to make physical contact with a stranger as you are. In the end people don’t like fat people and make fun of fat people because society says that it’s ok to make fun of fat people and hate fat people because “they did it to themselves.” We give more reverence and respect to alcoholics and drug addicts than we do to the overweight. Didn’t they “do it to themselves” as well?

For those that are overweight you already understand how pointless and cruel people can be and how people will instantly invalidate you any time you try to put forth a serious effort on anything simply because of your appearance.

I could fill your head with 12 step psychobabble all day long to try to make you feel better about your situation but in the end there is only one thing that I have found that will give you the determination and the confidence to be able to go forth defiantly in the face of the brainless hordes and that is to find a purpose to fight for. It doesn’t matter what your purpose is so long as you have some sort of driving goal that is more important than anything else in the world. And once you’ve accomplished that goal, move on to the next one. Now I admit that I am trying to make something really complicated sound really simple but the bottom line is that you can either try to find the things that will make you happy and succeed, or spend the rest of your life trying to make other people happy and always fail.

When you have a purpose, nothing else really matters. Other people can say what they want and do what they will and while I can’t say that you’ll never be hurt or offended you will be able to get over those hurtful words much faster the more you realize that those other people’s opinions do not matter and they themselves do not matter.

I forget who it was that said this but I try to live by these words, “I don’t care what you think of me, I don’t think of you at all.” This kind of attitude can only be accomplished once you’ve determined what is it that you want and refuse to let anyone stop you from obtaining it.

A good way to start is to make a bucket list. Make 3 different categories: Things you want to do before you die things you want to own before you die, things you want people to say about you when you die.

Rank each item in each list until you’ve determined you’re number one item in each category and turn this into your personal mantra and write it on your bathroom mirror so you can see it every day when you wake up:

“I will do ____, I will have____, I will be____.”

Now take each one of these and break it up into steps that would be required in order to accomplish each one.

Break each one of these steps down further into the steps that are required to meet each one of the aforementioned steps. Keep doing this until you have a good checklist of all of the minor components required broken up into tasks that you can schedule on a week by week basis. Put an appointment down on your calendar for each task you are going to try to complete. If you don’t know exactly what day and time you are going to work on said task, you will put it off forever.

That is the super condensed version.

Now I admit I haven’t fully mastered this technique myself. Part of the reasons why I am overweight is because of the chaotic and disorganized lifestyle that I am trying to break myself of. Stress makes you fat, it’s a scientific fact. Now I just need to give myself a good kick in the butt to quit putting off action items for my “I will have an action hero body” goal.

I hope someone out there will get some sort of help out of reading this. As always, your comments are appreciated.

The Big Deal pt 2: The Clothes Make The Man

I had stated earlier that this series of blogs is coming about by request. This is only partially true.

The initial request I was given was pretty much, “Hey Jeff, I think we need to stage an intervention. You are proof that big guys are capable of dressing like something that wasn’t vomited out of the mouth of a truck stop next to the Nascar speedway… so please, write a blog telling fat dudes that no one wants to see their ass crack or their gut hanging out from under their shirt.”

Ok, so the request was a little more tactful but from this spawned the entire series as I had discovered that there is not much support out there for larger guys in general.

So this part of the series will focus entirely on hygiene and fashion, or essentially breaking through the stereotype that larger people are sloppy and stinky. Now, I too at one time fell under many of the fashion faux pas made by larger men, and to be honest I had to be trained by my wife who at one point tried to get me on the show “What not to wear.” But I have learned my lessons well, and will now pass on my knowledge.

1. Hygiene You would think this would be a common sense issue but there are so many that are so clueless.

PAY HEED AS THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE!!!

The most important thing you can do to make yourself more socially approachable is to make sure that you smell good. You’ve probably heard before that smell is the number one thing people will commit to memory, and this is definitely the truth.

The last time I went to the Westerner (a horrible Country/Western nightclub, which I might add the only reason I was in such a horrible place to begin with was because we had a friend throwing a moving away party that night), we had to leave in about 10 minutes flat. Now it wasn’t so much the fact that the staff was rude or that the only thing they served at all was Budweiser that made us take off so quickly as much as the fact that the place was filled with 200 phony cowboys who all had a major case of the beef jerky sweats.

If you smell bad, all deals are off. You could look like a 10 but will instantly become a 0 if you can’t keep your body odor under control.

First and foremost, wear deodorant. Your underarms are the number 1 source of body odor and those who refuse to wear under arm deodorant, well…

Now I’ve met many stinky guys who have a million excuses for not wearing deodorant, this biggest excuse being that they are allergic to under arm deodorants. If this is the case you can get a prescription deodorant from your doctor or a dermatologist, or a less expensive option would be to go to one of those hippie organic stores and buy an organic deodorant (nothing patchouli scented!) Whatever route you use, never forget to wear deodorant.

Secondly, wear clean underwear and clean socks, as these would be the second and third smelliest parts of your body.

Thirdly, avoid stinky food (like beef jerky) if you are going to be somewhere you will be surrounded by people or where you know you will be sweating. The smell from the food you eat will come out through your pours and no one wants to be stuck in an elevator with the guy who is sweating out the smell of the taco cart by the Ford dealership.

Fourth, brush and floss your teeth. They say flossing will actually help control bad breath more than brushing your teeth as food particles stuck between your teeth that start to rot will be the biggest contributor to bad breath. Most of us remember to brush our teeth, but how many remember to floss every day? Also, use a mouthwash. It’s cheap, and it kills bacteria on your tongue and in the back of your throat that can give you bad breath. Carrying gum and breath mints on you are also encouraged.

On Cologne:

Cologne should only be used in the manner that people should only be able to smell it if they are closer than high school slow dance distance from you. Too much cologne is just as offensive as beef jerky sweats though beef jerky sweats can be dismissed as social ineptitude while too much cologne is indicative of douchebaggery. Not only that, but most women equate the fact that you are wearing to much cologne as a sign that you probably forgot to shower or are trying to cover up some sort of glandular issue.

2. Fashion The two main issues that larger guys need to avoid that add to public ridicule are plumbers crack, and trucker gut. Everyone knows what plumbers crack is. For those not familiar with the trucker gut, this is when the bottom part of your naked gut is clearly visible as it hangs over the belt line of your pants and your shirt is not long enough to cover your pasty flab.

First and foremost, you need to make sure the clothes that you buy will actually fit you. It’s a tough pill to swallow, and there was a time back when I would be constantly cursing as the largest sizes that would be carried at the local Wal-Mart were always the first thing to fly off the shelves. One day I decided to swallow my pride as I knew that it would be a crap shoot as to whether or not any of the regular stores had not been cleaned out of dress shirts in my size so I decided to swallow my pride and just head over to the big and tall store. Since then I have never turned back.

Instead of cluttered and organized shelves filled with mostly crap, and having to deal with other people trying to murder me with their shopping carts -not to mention the stigma when the 4’11” cashier girl holds up the pants you are buying and she could easily get lost down just one pant leg- now we have a store that is clean and well organized. Instead of having to hunt down an associate -only to find they know nothing of clothing as they work in pet supplies- I am greeted by a friendly well-dressed older gentleman with a tape measure draped over his shoulders. He makes polite conversation as he measures me to find a shirt that will fit right and doesn’t wince or make any weird gestures or comments because he works with people my size, and some much larger, every day.

Did I pay more for the dress shirt? Yes I did. Though I actually bought 2 dress shirts that day nearly 5 years ago and while I sadly had to throw one of them out as I wore through the elbows about 3 months ago, the other one is standing strong. When is the last time you bought anything from Wal-Mart that lasted 5 years?

Secondly, there are just a few rules larger guys need to follow to avoid the dreaded plumber’s crack and trucker gut.

The most important rule is to always tuck your shirt in. If you don’t want to tuck your shirt in, than wear an undershirt and tuck in your undershirt but always have at least 1 shirt tucked in. Then, make sure you always wear a belt. This is not only to keep your pants up but to keep your shirt tucked in. Pants with an elastic waist make baby Jesus cry if you leave the house while wearing them, unless you are going to the gym. So always wear pants that can facilitate a belt, and always wear said belt.

Now much of what I am going to say next might offend some people as I will be mocking many people’s sense of style. Being bigger ads an extra degree of negative connotation that would be added to any stereotype already handed down by your choice of fashion. Now not only are you a dumb white guy trying to dress like a “gangsta” but now you’re a dumb, fat, white guy trying to dress like a “gangsta.” Now you’re not just an idiot Juggalo, you’re a fat, idiot Juggalo.

I’ll give most people till the age of 25 to use youth as an excuse for dressing like an idiot, but after that you really need to start being a little concerned about what a potential employer is going to find out about you if they look up your photos on Facebook.

If you want clothes that make you look good then there are a few tricks you can use:

Avoid T-shirts with a rounded collar. The round collar adds to the roundness of your face making you look heavier. Look for V-neck shirts, polo’s, button down’s, etc.

Look for straight leg pants with a relaxed fit, and avoid pleats.

Stripes can be your best friend or worst enemy. They are your best friend when they run vertically as they give the illusion of making your body look longer, whereas horizontal stripes make your body look wider.

A blazer can be worn with just about anything and the generally sharp lines you will find in the cut of most blazers and sport coats will help make your figure look less round.

A good pair of Doc Martens can be worn with just about anything and they last forever, (I’m talking about their regular shoes and boots, not the combat boots or their power ranger type shoes.)

Camouflage always looks stupid on bigger guys. You might as well get the hat that holds the beer cans on the side to go with your Camo cargo pants, and let’s face it; no one will believe you are part of any division of the armed forces. So wear something that doesn’t make you look like you are part of a covert op to raid the buffet table at the Sizzler.

Anything plaid or checkered should be avoided unless it’s a Kilt. It’s kind of the horizontal stripes issue combined with implications that your house is supported by cinder blocks. Which reminds me; I shouldn’t have to say it but sleeves on your shirt are mandatory.

If you insist on going all black, there is a right way and a wrong way to do that. The image above is definitely the wrong way. What we’ve already covered will help you do it the right way. Keep it clean; make sure it fits right, if not your regular shirt than an undershirt that is tucked in and pants that are held up with a good belt.

Ultimately, you want to wear what is appropriate for the occasion. So maybe camo is okay if you’re going on a deer hunt, but definitely not something to wear to your cousins wedding or to a job interview.

3. Grooming

Grooming and Manscaping can be a very subjective issue.

There are just a few things I would suggest.

Eyebrows: make sure you’ve got two of them and that they haven’t grown into one giant mass.

Facial hair: Like anything else, just keep it clean. Though I would advise against the goatee as it seems you can throw a rock into any crowd and hit a fat guy wearing glasses, a goatee, and a ponytail.

Hair: Once your hair starts thinning out, it is no longer ok to try to grow it out long. I used to have long hair myself, but this went away when my hair started to thin. Someone took a picture of me and I looked like Benjamin Franklin.

Also, the best argument against having a ponytail and a goatee if you are a larger guy…

In conclusion:

Not only will you be better received by others but putting in a little extra effort into your appearance will also give you a massive boost to your self-esteem. The old cliché is correct; when you look good you will feel good. The major issues we covered will cost you less than $100 to correct (What I figure you’d pay for an organic deodorant, a pair of pants with a belt, and an undershirt that can be tucked in.)

You’ll be glad you made the investment on yourself.

The Big Deal, pt 1

Every now and again something happens that reminds me, “Oh yeah, I’ve got a blog. Maybe I should use it.”

So after some prodding and a few kicks in the butt I’m going to try to be more diligent about writing some articles for this blog for the 3 people who are interested in what I have to say.

This series of blogs is coming about by special request.

I’ve been a larger guy pretty much all of my life, and while it’s something that I struggle with and would like to change; we all have to play the hand that we are dealt. While I wouldn’t say that I am anywhere near where I would like to be in life, I was recently approached and asked if I would consider writing a series of blogs aimed at helping bigger guys work through self-esteem issues and the other problems that men face in being overweight. Now I wouldn’t consider myself a success story but being as I started as the least popular kid in the trailer park, maybe I do have some advice that should be shared.

I did a little research and found that in a country where more and more people are getting bigger and bigger, there does seems to be quite a bit more support out there for big beautiful ladies than there is for big handsome men. Maybe this is because we are men and we are supposed to be all tough and independent, and fat or not, we don’t need advice. Bull. So let me break down for you some of the things I have learned and how to turn some of the problems you face being overweight to your advantage.

1. Haters Gonna Hate

Everyone expects that larger people will be given mercilessly tormented during those 12 years of compulsory schooling, but if you think it ever ends it does not. You will always find judging eyes and people who can’t keep their ill-informed opinions to themselves.

There is an advantage to this though. Much as it sucks to be tormented for something that is much more difficult to control than most people think, there are great advantages to having to deal with a great deal of torment.
While some people will be emotionally scarred for life and will never be able to function socially others will develop a thicker skin and while other people are fuming, or breaking into tears, or otherwise freaking out over something small you will have the cool you need to get done what has to get done. Those who have been through and endless barrage of idiocy can approach difficult situations with a level head easier than those who are unaccustomed to others being mean, belligerent, violent, or otherwise difficult.

Long story short, Zombieland is wrong. When the zombie apocalypse hits the fatties won’t be the first to go because we will be able to keep our shit together to figure out various modes of transportation so that we don’t have to worry about being in good enough shape to outrun the undead. So while the former prom queen is getting zombified because she was too busy crying over the fact that her cat Mr. Snuggles got eaten to get to safe ground, us fatties will be zipping around on solar powered motor carts mowing down those zombie bastards.

Not only that, but bigger guys are generally bound to have been in at least one fight in their lives so odds are if push comes to shove you stand a better chance of defending yourself if you absolutely have to.



2. Your dating prospects aren’t as narrow as you would think.

First off all, if you are a bigger guy the worst thing you could do is to let your friends try to set you up on dates. You will soon find that for most people the only method that they use for judging compatibility for larger people is, “you’re fat, she’s fat, you should be a good match.”

Despite what you may think or what society may tell you, it’s not the fact that you are fat that would turn women off from wanting to date you. It’s the stereotypes about fat people that are ruining your chances. If you can defy the following stereotypes then you will find your dating prospects vastly improved.

a. Fat people are lazy and unmotivated.
b. Fat people are generally sloppy in their appearance and hygiene.
c. Fat people have a poor self-image and too many emotional issues.

I will approach each one of these issues in separate blogs.

Knowing a few women that are either currently with or have dated larger men in the past, there is a consensus about bigger men who are able to overcome those three main issues.

Many larger men can be less emotional and don’t take themselves too seriously. Larger men tend to know where to find the best food and entertainment. They are often of a more generous nature making them more attentive in relationships and better lovers. Being well natured, generous and being able to find the best food and entertainment also can lead to prominent positions within various social circles and man’s social position is something that is very important for what a woman looks for in a man.

Now there will be women out there that will dismiss you entirely based upon the fact that you are overweight, but it is something that any larger man will have to get used to in life. You will have to work harder for everything you achieve based on the fact that people are willing to dismiss you right away based on the fact that you are overweight. Statistically overweight people have fewer dating prospects; have harder times finding jobs, apartments, etc, compared to normal sized people.
The bottom line is that you will have to get over the fact that you will be told “No” more often than you can count. You will have to be tenacious and will have to learn to recover quickly from rejection not just to find a suitable mate, but to find a suitable job, a suitable house or apartment, and often times a suitable suit.

3. Don’t give up on yourself.

I do believe that a big part to being able to live a happy life is to be able to live a healthy life, and my weight is my greatest life struggle. Believe me, it irritates me to no end when someone says “Why don’t you just eat less and exercise more?” while they have a metabolism that allows them to stuff their face with beer battered bacon all day long and never gain an ounce.

While food is one of those things that I love and I definitely do not have the control of some people I know to constantly be doing lemon juice only cleanses and crap like that, the fact is that especially as I have hit my 30’s my body is rebelling against me. If I don’t try to eat healthier food and if I am not getting exercise on a regular basis not only do I feel like crap all the time but the numbers on the scale get bigger and bigger. When I am eating healthy and getting exercise on a regular basis, those numbers rarely go down but at least they stay put.

While I would love to one day obtain an action hero body it’s something that the effort to obtain and maintain for me would be an entirely life encompassing effort. Believe me I have tried. (BTW, Gold’s Gym preys upon fatties and will lie to you every which way to lock you into a contract that will bankrupt you if you try to get out of. So don’t make the same mistake I made of trying to get a personal trainer through them.)

The bottom line is that I don’t want to see what I would become if I always ate till I was full instead of when I know I’ve had enough. I don’t want to see what I would become if I never got any exercise (I haven’t been getting enough as is lately and I feel like my joints are filled with broken glass and my muscles have been replaced with bacon.)

Maybe we will never have action hero bodies, or even bodies that allow us to buy our clothes at the Abercrombie and Douchenozzle stores at the mall, but the last thing you want is to have your stinky, bloated carcass have to be lifted out of your house with a crane when your heart finally gives out.

In the words of famous drag queen Rupaul, “If you can’t love yourself, then how the hell can you love anybody else?”

The 10 Most Dangerous Books in History

he 10 Most Dangerous Books Ever Written

In my usual round of reading anything online that I find slightly interesting, I found a few articles on the most dangerous books ever written.

Each one of these lists I encountered are wrought with ideology without any real quantifiable data as to how the listed books are dangerous. Conservative commentators will list books such as Charles Darwin’s Origin of the Species or Richard Dawkin’s The God Delusion, while Liberal commentators take jabs and the Bible and the Quran.

In this article I will set out to compile a list of the truly most dangerous books ever written putting ideology aside and using the raw numbers from how many deaths are attributed to the writings. As casualty figures throughout history are always nebulous I will base my findings on the highest casualty figures quoted. While some may come as no surprise, others should cause one to raise an eyebrow.

Based on these raw figures alone, the most dangerous books ever written would be:

10. The Malleus Maleficarum: (Est Deaths: 12mil)

The official witch hunter’s manual of the Spanish Inquisition. While actual death tolls of the inquisition itself range in the hundreds of thousands, figures have been quoted as high as 12 million deaths from Christian witch hunts inspired from these writings.

Notable Quote:

“But (and this is remarkable) when on the next day the other witch had at first been exposed to the very gentlest questions, being suspended hardly clear of the ground by her thumbs, after she had been set quite free, she disclosed the whole matter without the slightest discrepancy from what the other had told…”

Part II Question I Chapter XV

9. The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith (Est Deaths: 50mil)

The Wealth of Nations is thought to be the original text outlining the science of economics and laying the ground work for Capitalist ideology. There is much debate of the nature of Capitalism and whether or not Imperialist regimes could be considered Capitalistic. Socialist critics of Capitalism will argue that from Capitalism Imperialism is born, and the estimated death toll from Imperialistic regimes (Including the United States) has been quoted upwards of 50 million.

Notable Quote:

“In general, if any branch of trade, or any division of labour, be advantageous to the public, the freer and more general the competition, it will always be the more so.”

The Wealth Of Nations, Book II, Chapter II, p.329, para. 106.

8. The Holy Bible (Est Deaths: 61mil)

With multiple crusades, the Spanish Inquisition and the generally blood soaked history of the Catholic Church. The estimated death toll generated from Christian ideology is estimated to be upwards of 61 million.

Noteable Quote:

And to the others he said in mine hearing, Go ye after him through the city, and smite: let not your eye spare, neither have ye pity: Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark; and begin at my sanctuary. Then they began at the ancient men which were before the house. And he said unto them, Defile the house, and fill the courts with the slain: go ye forth. And they went forth, and slew in the city. Ezekial 9:5

7. The Quotations of Chairman Mao (Est Deaths: 70mil)

While dictators espousing the ideology of Communism have carved a mind boggling bloody path over the past century alone, The Quotations of Chairman Mao gets special mention not as much from the estimated 30 million Chinese violently killed in the name of Communism but for the 40 million alone that died of famine. The case of Chinese Communism stands not only as an argument against the violence of Communism but against the inefficiency of Communist economics that lead to the starvation of tens of millions. Much debate exists as to how true Chinese Communism is to Karl Marx’s Communist vision.

Notable Quote:

“Liberalism is extremely harmful in a revolutionary collective. It is a corrosive which eats away unity, undermines cohesion, causes apathy and creates dissension. It robs the revolutionary ranks of compact organization and strict discipline, prevents policies from being carried through and alienates the Party organizations from the masses which the Party leads. It is an extremely bad tendency.”

6. Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler: (Est Deaths 78mil)

World War 2 was simply the bloodiest war throughout history with virtually no corner of the globe being excluded from the conflict. With the German National Socialist (Nazi) regime at the helm fueled by the writings of Hitler, allied with Benito Mussolini’s Fascism (Which means to “fasten” as a nation) and the Imperialist regime of Japan- the total death toll is estimated at 78 million including over 6 million Jewish victims of the holocaust. Much debate exists as to how true to the ideology of Socialism the National Socialist party of Germany was. Socialists and various followers of Social Democratic ideologies site Fascism and Imperialism as opposing ideologies to Socialism.

Notable Quote:

“The great masses of the people will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.”

5. The Qaran: (Est Deaths: 120mil)

To understand the scope of deaths resulting from Islamic ideology one must understand the vast areas of land covered by practitioners of Islam. The major areas of influence spanned across the Middle East and much of Southeast Asia, Eastern Europe and large portions of Africa. There was hardly anywhere in the Eastern Hemisphere without some degree of Islamic influence. The adoption of Islam into the Ottoman Empire and the vast area they conquered alone is mind boggling and the last incarnations of the Ottoman Empire lasted till the 1920’s. Modern day Islamic terrorism is only a mere shadow of the former might and carnage that spanned over half the globe throughout a good part of the middle ages.

Notable Quote:

"The only reward of those who make war upon Allah and His messenger and strive after corruption in the land will be that they will be killed or crucified, or have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, or will be expelled out of the land. Such will be their degradation in the world, and in the Hereafter theirs will be an awful doom."

Surah 5:33

4. The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels: (Est Deaths: 200mil)

At its height, more than 1/3 of the countries in the world claimed to espouse Communist ideology as their modus operandi. The end results have been over 20 million deaths by Democide in Russia, 70 Million in China, and countless other millions in Eastern Europe, Vietnam, North Korea, Cambodia, et al.

While advocates for Communism and Socialism argue that no country has been able to successfully implement a true Communist society, critics of Communism and Socialism cite these failed efforts as means to discount the ideology.

Religious advocates will also target the Atheistic sentiments of Communism and how many victims of Communism died as religious martyrs in societies where religion is outlawed and strict censorship is imposed. Objectively speaking, the anti-religious campaigns of Communist regimes have shown us that those motivated by the notion of extinguishing religion are just as capable of killing on a mass scale as those who believe they are performing the will of their chosen deity.

Notable Quote:

"The immediate aim of the Communists is the same as that of all the other proletariat parties: formation of the proletariat into a class, the overthrow of the bourgeois supremacy, conquest of political power by the proletariat"

3. The Art of War by Sun Tzu: (Data cannot be quantified)

While I was trying to compile this list based upon quantifiable numbers it soon became obvious that the major contributors to mass scale death would be indirectly responsible for death tolls that cannot be measured.

Written around 200 BC, the fundamentals of this war manual are still practiced today and not just by Generals, but the tactics have been successfully been modified for business and even dating manuals. These time tested tactics have proven effective for any kind of conquest, be it military, monetary, or poon.

Whatever the aims have been, when one wanted to insure victory against their enemies throughout the vast majority of recorded history, they would first be sure to be well studied in the writings of Sun Tzu.

Notable quote:

“A military operation involves deception. Even though you are competent, appear to be incompetent. Though effective, appear to be ineffective.”

2. The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli: (Data cannot be quantified)

The Prince was written in the early 1500’s during politically chaotic times for Italy. The region was broken up into several city-states and there was a great struggle for power between the heads of the city-states and the Catholic Church.

Machiavelli found himself exiled when the Medici took over Florence and wrote the Prince in what some believe was an effort to gain favor with the Medici. The book would not reach publication until 5 years after the death of Machiavelli but would soon land its way in infamy.

In a word, the book was all about power and how to achieve it and more importantly how to keep it. One could say “The end justifies the means” could be the overall theme behind the book. Tyranny, destruction, and death could all be justified in the name of protecting the state.

While The Art of War gave world dictators instructions on how to kill, The Prince gave dictators to justification to kill.

Notable Quote:

“It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved.”

1. The Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes (Est Deaths: 262mil in past 100 years alone.)

If it is true that those who govern can only do so at the consent of the governed than the ultimate question comes down to which writings had the most impact in convincing common people that they needed rulers capable of committing such atrocities?

Hobbes argued that the lives of the common men where hard, brutish and short thus definitive leadership from an unquestioned sovereign was needed if men wanted to be sure their lives weren’t any harder, more brutish, or shorter than they needed to be.

Written during the time of the British Civil War, the Leviathan also argued that unquestioned leadership was needed in order to maintain the peace less every megalomaniacal deviant would cause an uprising in a bid to grab as much power as they could.

With history as the judge, we have seen that mass scale murder was only possible under the reign of an unquestioned ruler or council of rulers, and the more men freed themselves from absolute sovereigns the more peaceful society has become.

For those cultures who still embrace the notion of unquestioned rulers, democide (mass murder by one’s own government) has claimed nearly 300 million lives in the last century alone.

Notable Quote:

"To this war of every man against every man, this also in consequent; that nothing can be unjust. The notions of right and wrong, justice and injustice have there no place. Where there is no common power, there is no law, where no law, no injustice. Force, and fraud, are in war the cardinal virtues.”

Comments and criticisms are appreciated. Please feel free to discuss at length any of these books or the ideas they espouse.

The Sweden Dillusion, by Jeffrie A. Moir

Albert Einstein once stated that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. For pretty much the entire history of Socialism this has been the primary argument used against the disciples of Marx. Communism and Socialism had disastrous results everywhere that it had been tried.

Of course their retort was always that their predecessors were “Doing it wrong.” When you study the history you find: The Bolsheviks hated the Mensheviks, because the Mensheviks were doing it wrong. Mao hated Stalin, because Stalin was doing it wrong. Pol Pot hated Mao, because Mao was doing it wrong. Are you starting to see a pattern here?

Than humble little Sweden entered the scene. Sweden boasts that it has found a middle ground between Capitalism and Socialism. All of the supposed experts state that the economy has all of the competitive aspects of a Capitalist system with strong welfare programs that border on Socialism.

Now if you really want to give yourself a headache, try finding a solid definition for what Socialism is. You can find a solid definition for Capitalism: More or less, if the Government is trying to take a cut in the business transaction than you do not have true Capitalism. You can find a solid definition for Communism: More or less, if you are acquiring a product or service from some other agent than the Government you do not have true Communism. So could anything in-between be characterized as a Socialist system? (Let the bickering commence)

Despite the claims by the Swedes that they still believe in some degree of Capitalism, the Socialists are trying to hog Sweden all to themselves as a victory for Marxism.

So there is some debate as to whether or not Sweden is entirely Socialist or not to begin with, even though they won’t claim they are entirely the advocates for Capitalism have a hard time seeing anything about their system that is friendly towards the idea of a free market.

People in Sweden are more economically equal, supposedly happier, they live longer, are more productive, have better sex, have whiter teeth, look better in a bathing suit, and are much more charismatic than us fat and ugly Americans.

When we whip out our CIA world factbook on the other hand, the raw numbers paint a completely different picture of Sweden.

Sweden is slightly larger than the state of California and boasts a population of a little more than 9 million. (No where near the population of the state of California) The GDP per capita is about $29k, where as the GDP per capita is about $44k in the United States. (So much for being more productive.)

While boasting an unemployment rate of 6%, this only includes those citizens listed as “Not employed, and currently looking for work.” This does not include the 1.5 million citizens that have exited the workforce altogether to live off the Government dole. (Once again, so much for being more productive.)

The average household income before taxes is the equivalent of $26k a year, compared to our $47k. This means that if Sweden were to become the 51rst state, it would officially be the poorest state in the union.

That $26k a year is before income taxes. Sweden holds one of the highest tax burdens in the world with an income tax of around 55%. Sales taxes on some items reach upwards of 22%. I know in the United States the average citizen works from January through May just to pay all of their taxes. I wonder how many months out of the year the average Swede is working to pay all of their taxes. The general consensus is that all that one can afford in Sweden is what the Government decides to hand out after raping you blind. Someone once told me that the nature of Government in America is to break your legs and than hand you a crutch. In Sweden it would appear that they gut you like a fish and than hand you a band-aid.

This is coupled with a very negative attitude towards business. Though a more lax tax policy during the 90% did see an increase of business startups by 25%, we still have not seen an Erickson or an IKEA emerge since the late 70’s. In an interview with Forbes magazine IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad stated that Swedish Tax bureaucrats were relentless and often would attack him with the tired cliché of “You’re only in it for profits!” Um yeah, somewhere these bureaucrats forgot that the first lesson in business school is that the business of business is business, without the profit motive there is no business. Than again, without a profit motive society in general comes to a grinding halt because, like it or not, it is human nature to address the question of, “What’s in it for me?” Try telling someone that they have to shovel Hippopotamus crap for 12 hours a day not because the pay is good but because they are doing some sort of great service to humanity and you are going to have a hard time filling that position.

So with the business sector constantly under attack, the growth of new industry stunted and with outrageous taxes I would say it would be pretty pointless to try to hold down a job in Sweden. If it were me, I’d just go on the dole.

Let us not also forget Sweden’s healthcare system. We all know that health care in America is in the crapper, but is that because of greedy capitalists in a health care system governed by profits or is it because the American health care system isn’t all too dissimilar from other health care systems around the world with the exception that the bill goes right to the consumer from the health care practitioner and not from the practitioner to the Government and than to the consumer via taxes? The American health care system is so bogged down in Government regulation that I would hardly call it capitalist.

So does Sweden’s health care system work much better? Well despite what many would like to think, there are a lot of raw materials, land, and investment capital required to keep any medical practice chugging along and thus healthcare can never really be “free” (But than again, the first lesson of Economics is that everything has a price. There is no such thing as a “free lunch”)

The increasing costs of healthcare have put a strain on Government budgets, so they have taken the only rational measure and have imposed health care rations. If you are diagnosed with a serious condition that required immediate surgery, you could find yourself on a waiting list for a year or more. (Even though the maximum is supposed to be 90 days) Not to mention that your choice of providers is pretty narrow thanks to all the red tape you have to jump through just to be seen by a physician in the first place.

The sad thing about this is that even with Sweden’s supposed “Socialist” health care policy and our “Capitalistic” policy. The United States spends 18.5% of Government revenues on health care while Sweden pays almost a full percentage point less. (So how in line with the free market again?)

But Sweden does boast a higher life expectancy that in the United States. The average life expectance in the US is only 79.5 years, while in Sweden it’s monumentally higher at 80.1 years. Of course this isn’t accounting for underlying issues like the enormous amount of automobile deaths in the US. In fact auto deaths are the number 1 way to go in the US if you are under 35. In Sweden… well good luck affording a car in the first place. I guess the bus system is adequate though.

So if health and wealth aren’t all they are cracked up to be in Sweden, how are we doing as far as providing entertainment and distractions for how miserable it is to be buried in 8 feet of snow for 9 months out of the year?

The general consensus that I have found from the Swedes themselves is that they would much rather be in Denmark. Pretty much everything is the same regarding the economics and healthcare, but they have better weather and better entertainment at least.

The picture that the average Swede paints sounds like Salt Lake City on steroids. The winters are very harsh (though in Salt Lake City the summers are too, but at least we get a summer here.) While most of the population of Utah is Mormon, an overwhelming majority of Swede’s are Lutheran. The religious sensibilities of the population at large naturally means draconian regulation and taxation as far as vices go (Though the religious right is saying that no one in Sweden actually goes to church and they are all closet Atheists. Apparently Socialism and Atheism always go hand in hand.) . At least Stockholm is seen more often in world tour lineups than Salt Lake City.

So what happens when you have a large amount of the population that is unemployed and you give them nothing to preoccupy them selves with? Surprise! Crime and the suicide rate have been increasing. Crime rates in Sweden rose 61% from 1975-1990. The crime rates have been increasing still but only by about 1% or so a year since 1990. The big problem the police say that they have now is organized crime in Sweden. While the number of crimes hasn’t been increasing at a monumental rate since 1990 at least, the caliber of crimes committed is getting nastier. While shotguns used to be the weapon of choice as far as gun crime went, police report that they now are seeing more automatic weapons and explosives like hand grenades. While Sweden and Denmark have a ways to go to catch up with US crime rates, according to the World Health Organization we have a ways to go to catch up with Suicide rates in Denmark and Sweden. In 2008 Denmark ranked number 27 on the list of countries where you are most likely to kill yourself, with Sweden directly below it at 28. The US came in on the list at 42. All over the world (Except Japan and China) men seem to be killing themselves far more often than women. In Denmark and Sweden, while men still kill themselves a lot more often nearly twice as many women per capita are killing themselves The WHO (not the band) is rather concerned with the fact that a significant amount of women and youths tend to pull the plug if they happen to live in Sweden. Does it really suck that bad to be a woman in Sweden? I guess at least it doesn’t suck as much as it does to be a woman in China.

So in a nutshell, the numbers don’t have me convinced enough to start putting my immigration paperwork together. If we start following in Sweden’s footsteps on the other hand, I might have to try out Hong Kong, or Dubai. Or maybe I can find enough money in the couch cushions to buy Djibouti. You don’t have to take my word for it though, if you are still convinced that Sweden is so great… please move! Go and enjoy Sweden and quit telling me that we should try to be more like them. I am perfectly happy to be writing this article in grand American fashion, sweaty and in nothing but my underwear at 4am, and you better not take that away from me!